Can’t talk, good things are happening!*

Just three days left till REAL baseball and it’s come to my attention that I have some power. Or rather, me and some of the other Sox bloggers, especially those of the female persuasion, have some power. I mean, check out this irrefutable evidence:

  • “Tushies for Tek” is founded on the SGMB, clamoring for the re-signing of our catcher and captain. What happens? The man’s back, ain’t he? Granted, I can’t claim responsibility for this one since I’m a slow kid in coming to the SGMB and was not an actual member of the movement. However, you can be sure I conducted my own vigil involving fasting, binging, swearing and possible deals with the devil.
  • Bring Back the Bullpen Car!” is founded by Amy, Hoo, Sam, Emma and myself during an especially sanity-taxing day. In it, we deliver impassioned rhetoric, heart-wrenching testimony, cold, hard facts and fantastical dreams detailing the need for the return of the bullpen car. Thus far, the Minnesota Twins have reinstated the use of the magical, miniature vehicle. It’s only a matter of time before the other twenty-nine teams comply.
  • Just two days ago on this very blog, I called for the release or disappearance or termination (I mean that in a figurative sense, I don’t want the dude murdered or anything), of BK Kim. Evidently, Theo loves me. See ya, BK, enjoy Colorado! That, I must admit, was satisfying. Jettisoning a particularly infuriating piece of baggage – with baggage of his own – was cleansing. Hey, I’m sure BK is a nice guy, but if you can’t get along in a clubhouse where Kevin Millar does naked jumping jacks and Edgar Renteria sings country songs, well, I’m not sure I want you on my team.

Other baseball things which I had no part in but which I am happy about nonetheless:

  • This hits newsstands soon. I would like to apologize in advance to the nice man who runs the newsstand on the first floor of my office building for my constant presence over the next week and a half and my repeated questioning of, “Has it come yet?!?” I promise to mop up my own puddle of drool. And for those of you who don’t understand my affinity for eye black, take a good, long look at this picture and tell me that does nothing for you. If you can honestly say that, well, I won’t believe you, and then I’ll think you’re an android, but hey, more Tek for me. Thanks to Hoo for pointing it out.
  • Mike Myers has returned to the Boston Red Sox. He was a pretty handy guy to have around during the stretch run last season and came in useful on more than one playoff occasion. Apparently it was Terry’s lobbying and not mine that made this happen but it’s never a bad thing to have a reliever who shares his name with one of the twentieth century’s most famous horror movie villains and who enters the game to the strains of the “Halloween” soundtrack. I mean, I don’t even like horror movies and I think that’s cool. So I’m glad he’s back, if for no other reason than he increases the camp and atmospheric quality of the team.

I have a lot of respect for Jason [Varitek],” Rodriguez said Wednesday. “That’s why he’s the captain of that team. In the heat of the moment, New York-Boston, sometimes you do things you regret. I’m not really proud of it now that I have a daughter.

“But you play hard, you live and, again, I do have respect for Jason and what he’s done. And he’s a world champion and I’m not.”

First of all, nice approach there, Slappy. We almost forgot you’re a complete tool now that you’re a dad.

Secondly, according to A-Rod:

It’s been a lot more stealth, going back under the radar screen and focusing on one thing and that’s winning,” Rodriguez said. “Everything else is secondary.”

Okay, I get it, so he’s a superhero now. All hail, Stealth Man! And this guy has a publicist. That’s what kills me.

And thirdly, it’s not “Jason,” buddy, it’s “Mr. Varitek.” “Captain” if you’re nasty.

Also? “He’s a world champion and I’m not?” I believe I speak on behalf of all Red Sox fans when I say, “NEENER!”

Thanks to Sam for the link.

  • I walked past Fenway Park last night en route to a mojito research mission (really!) and I would like to tell you that I didn’t squeal, jump up and down and hug the facade. But I would be lying.
  • There is a new McDonald’s commercial wherein a guy in a Sox cap sits in his truck at a red light. After a moment, he smiles and pumps his fist. The voiceover says, “Every now and then it hits you.” I am not ashamed to say I am that guy insomuch as I do that, oh, let’s say once a day. Good on ya, McDonald’s. And I didn’t think I’d ever say that.

Non-baseball related things that I also find interesting. Y’all can stop reading if you go into a catatonic coma between the World Series and Opening Day. I’ll understand. But for those of you still reading:

  • The Carolina Panthers football program is being scrutinized for suspected steroid use among its players prior to Super Bowl XXXVIII where they played (and lost to) our New England Patriots. Jeff Mitchell, Todd Sauerbrun and former player Todd Steussie had steroid prescriptions filled prior to the Super Bowl. Dudes, Sauerbrun is a punter. A punter, for crissakes! A punter needs steroids in the NFL? I don’t know exactly why but I find this almost unbearably hilarious. Imagine the flack that’d be flying now if the Panthers had won?
  • The NHL Players Association and the NHL Owners are scheduled to meet again for the first time since St. Patrick’s Day. Since then, they’ve cancelled the draft in Ottawa, bandied about the idea of using blue ice, widening the goals by 2 inches to increase scoring and allowing cameras into the locker rooms. Mer (the only person outside of my family that I know that gives two shits about hockey) and I have discussed this in an email exchange.

Kristen: So, making the nets bigger. A proposal of switching from 4’x6′ to 4’2″x6’2″ or bowing them in the middle to make them wider but not taller. Is this really what they should be concerned about?

Also, how much difference does 2 inches really make in the amount of scoring? Maybe a lot, I’m not a goalie, but still. I feel like there are more pressing concerns.

Mer: It’s amazing the things the suits think will help the sport.

Here are the things most detrimental to the NHL:
1. Missing a year due to a lack of CBA
2. Clutching, grabbing, trapping (which leads to the very lack of scoring that they’re so worried about)

Have they done ANYTHING to fix either of these problems?

They can talk all they want about bigger nets, blue ice, and smaller goalie pads, but those are miniscule changes in the grand scheme of things. They need to test bigger changes, such as removing the red line and getting rid of the 2 line pass.

It’s frustrating to see people wasting their time with things like the color of the ice.

And as for allowing cameras into the locker rooms or miking the benches and penalty boxes? Let me put it this way, for an audio project my freshman year in college, I miked the bench of my brother’s high school hockey team. The shit I came away with would make your toes curl. And this is high school. A private, Catholic high school. In New Hampshire. If the NHL wants to mike the benches in the pros, they’ll end up with nothing but a shrieking constant censor beep. I’m not sure that adds to the enjoyment of the game. And until you have smelled a hockey bag up close and personal, you do not understand that the last thing people need is access to the locker room. Let me tell you, it is the most foul smell known to man, capable of stripping the paint off walls or removing rust from a car bumper. There is no worse smell on this planet. None. “But football players-.” No. “Running shoes are-.” NO! There is nothing worse. I promise you that. My point being that even a visual of a forward’s sopping wet elbow pads, hanging in his locker is enough to give me unfortunate olfactory flashbacks to my high school years when the basement of my house smelled strongly enough to kill all household pets within a 12-mile radius. I do not need implied Aroma-Vision. Keep the cameras on the ice.

Okey doke, I think that’s it. I’m sure other fantastic things are bound to happen over the course of the next few days that will make the seemingly interminable wait until Opening Day seem that much shorter. Until then, to quote Tom Petty, “The waiting is the hardest part.”

*it’s a Scrubs reference. I don’t know.

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