Old Fashioned Whupping

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(Photo from Yahoo! Sports)

Enough of this!

Okay, first things first: Like my good friends Beth and Sam, I too received an email from the Big Dog informing me that Basegirl will now appear on Boston.com’s blog feeder page. Apparently, someone thinks I have something of interest to say. Now is when I really, really start to regret putting those prom pictures up. So woo hoo for increased readership! As Amy(Nutbar) would say: how prescient!

So I was trapped in the library for the first seven innings of this game because, say it with me now, work. But I made it home for the 8th and 9th. A good, old-fashioned ass kicking was going down. Rather than recap the entire thing for you, I offer the IM conversation between Amy(Nutbar) and myself wherein we front as ganstas, call for Eric Byrnes’s head on a platter and offer theories as to why Danny Haren’s so mad. Explanations for certain comments appear in italics.

KristenthePerfectlySaneIndividual: I’m’a tell you what, I feel much better about things when my boys be laying the smack down.
AmyNutbar: 7 run innings are the best ever.
KTPSI: I got in the car, we’re up by three, I get out of the car, we’re up by 10. It’s like a very short drive.
KTPSI: Hey, that’s your pimp! (Mark Kotsay’s up.)
AmyNutbar: Oh pimp.
AmyNutbar: You aren’t allowed to get RBIs.
KTPSI: Adam Melhuse is D-Lowe’s bitch.
AmyNutbar: Not in this game.
AmyNutbar: BITE MY TWEETER?
KTPSI: Not so much Cla Meredith’s bitch though.
AmyNutbar: Does Cla Meredith have a bitch?
KTPSI: Mmmm, Eric Chavez and teh sexy.
KTPSI: The pics in that magazine? On Sam’s blog? Unf.
AmyNutbar: Cla Meredith’s era is only 45.00
KTPSI: Oh, that’s perfectly acceptable.
KTPSI: Dude, your boyfriend could do this. (Amy’s boyfriend is the recently disposed
Blaine Neal)
AmyNutbar: And be hot about it…
AmyNutbar: …and large…
AmyNutbar: …and in charge.
KTPSI: Remind me again why we got rid of Hyzdu?
AmyNutbar: To get me a boyfriend.
KTPSI: And we got rid of him because…?
AmyNutbar: Apparently I am not allowed to have boyfriends.
KTPSI: Theo Epstein likes to make girls cry?
AmyNutbar: Oh you know he does
KTPSI: That bastard.
AmyNutbar: This conversation is wholly amusing.
KTPSI: Which one?
AmyNutbar: This whole one.
KTPSI: Ours?
AmyNutbar: Yes.
KTPSI: ‘Cause we are pimps, is why.
AmyNutbar: Probably.
AmyNutbar: This could be a blog post.
KTPSI: I say it should be. I deem it so.
AmyNutbar: Heheheh.
KTPSI: The A’s have their little league team out there.
AmyNutbar: Do not hate on Charles Thomas.
AmyNutbar: Charles Thomas rocks my face off.
KTPSI: I think I was hating on, um, no, still hating on Cla Meredith. Just projecting onto the baby A’s.
AmyNutbar: Hahahhaha.
AmyNutbar: Charles Thomas rocks steady.
AmyNutbar: Unlike Tomko, he’d give you a beat.
KTPSI: So Millar’s kids don’t think he sucks anymore? Is that the deal?
AmyNutbar: Pretty much.
AmyNutbar: Do you see? See how cool Charles Thomas is? (Charles Thomas made a running catch that, frankly didn’t seem all that impressive to me but I’ll let Amy have her delusions).
KTPSI: I was in the car. I got out of the car to go to the ATM, I get in the car, Millar has hit a home run. I missed it. This is why drive-thru ATMs are necessary.
AmyNutbar: Pretty much.
KTPSI: Dude, Cla(y) Meredith is so the bat boy. He’s totally not a player. They’re messing with us.
AmyNutbar: Do not speak ill of Olise Claiborne Meredith III. His daddy will sue you.
KTPSI: Or he’ll run me over with his Beamer.
KTPSI: One of his Beamers.
AmyNutbar: Hummer.
AmyNutbar: He totally has a Hummer.
KTPSI: But he carries the Beamer in the back.
KTPSI: Good job, Edgah! You didn’t take anyone down with you!
AmyNutbar: Bill Mueller now is the time for your home run.
KTPSI: Bill Mueller only wears the high socks at away games.
KTPSI: I have figured this out
AmyNutbar: And when he’s playing 2b.
KTPSI: My dad thought it was freakish that I would know that.
KTPSI: Is that freakish?
AmyNutbar: No!
AmyNutbar: The
Rick is frontin’.
KTPSI: I prefer to think I am merely observant.
KTPSI: I’m sure The
Rick had burning questions about Bill Mueller’s sartorial choices as well.
AmyNutbar: Sartorial is a good word.
KTPSI: I like that and “tonsorial.”
AmyNutbar: What does tonsorial mean?
KTPSI: Of or relating to the hair.
KTPSI: Like, you could say, “Manny has made some interesting tonsorial choices.”
KTPSI: And you would not be wrong.
AmyNutbar: Ah.
AmyNutbar: I am familiar with the tonsures.
AmyNutbar: Derek Lowe had a crucial tonsure situation. He tried to hide it with a mullet.
KTPSI: It’s true.
KTPSI: Hey, your boyfriend’s in! (Amy’s, um, other boyfriend is in fact Youk).
AmyNutbar: HI, FUTURE HUSBAND!
KTPSI: I put a pic of him on in today’s blog post for your viewing pleasure.
AmyNutbar: Bellhorn probably pays for his beard grooming.
KTPSI: And also cause he rocks fairly hard.
AmyNutbar: I daresay he rocks steady.
AmyNutbar: Bellhorn probably pays for his beard grooming.
KTPSI: I love how Bellhorn is all “Yeah, I’m just a scruff” but his scruff is very carefully trimmed.
KTPSI: The Horn is fooling no one.
AmyNutbar: And it is very careful to only cover certain parts of his face.
KTPSI: No parts that could be easily lit on fire.
AmyNutbar: Exactly.
AmyNutbar: His mouth scruff is thinner than the cheek scruff.
AmyNutbar: For easy bong access.
KTPSI: Totally. And the hair is carefully gelled even though it doesn’t look it.
KTPSI: ERIC BYRNES CAN BITE ME!
AmyNutbar: HIT HIM!
AmyNutbar: HIT HIM!
KTPSI: Run into Varitek again, go on, do it!
AmyNutbar: HIT HIM!
AmyNutbar: HIT HIM!
AmyNutbar: HIT HIM!
KTPSI: I mean, he’d have to run into the dugout to do that, but still.
AmyNutbar: Come on, Halama.
KTPSI: Varitek should charge him.
AmyNutbar: Put it square on his ass.
KTPSI: Just come storming out of the dugout and tackle him!
KTPSI: TIMMY!
AmyNutbar: Tim Wakefield ALWAYS LOOKS PISSED
AmyNutbar: Why?
KTPSI: What the shit was that?
AmyNutbar: Pussiest ground rule double ever.
AmyNutbar: Had he hit him like I suggested, it would not have happened.
KTPSI: I feel qualified to say, Eric Byrnes has no ass.
KTPSI: They should listen to us. More.
AmyNutbar: I think Halama’s voice should sound like Billy Bob Thorton’s
AmyNutbar: GOOD ON YA TIMMY!
KTPSI: I think so too.
KTPSI: Why does Millar wear that sweatband thing around his neck?
AmyNutbar: He’s a weirdo.
KTPSI: I’m gonna keep being pissed at Johnny Damon for as long as it works.
AmyNutbar: Hahaha.
AmyNutbar: I was yelling at him for sucking.
AmyNutbar: This very evening.
KTPSI: He sucks hard. You could tell me otherwise, but I would not believe you.
AmyNutbar: I also believe he sucks like a
Hoover.
KTPSI: Or like that new vaccuum that doesn’t get clogged.
KTPSI: Did Dougie do well tonight? Am I gonna have to hear it tomorrow?
AmyNutbar: He has an infield hit.
AmyNutbar: Hehehe.
AmyNutbar: I wanna say that’s all.
AmyNutbar: (and it went as an error)
KTPSI: I heard that on the radio. Troup and Joe were making fun of him. Talking about his base stealing prowess.
KTPSI: He’s 1 for 1 lifetime.
AmyNutbar: Oh Dougie.
KTPSI: JAY PAYTON!
AmyNutbar: WWDRD! (What Would Dave Roberts Do?)
KTPSI: He’s not Dave Roberts but he is exceptionally smiley.
KTPSI: And I can get behind that.
AmyNutbar: I wanna get behind Blaine Neal.
AmyNutbar: I’m sorry. That wasn’t even appropriate. Or physically legitimate.
KTPSI: I was gonna say, behind?
AmyNutbar: In front of.
AmyNutbar: Ha.
KTPSI: Well that’s fine then. Unless you’re a circus performer.
AmyNutbar: ?
KTPSI: And you’re all kinds of bendy.
AmyNutbar: I am pretty bendy
KTPSI: In that case, you will be totally fine.
KTPSI: Dude, Cla(y) Meredith is younger than me.
AmyNutbar: Not me!
AmyNutbar: Just barely.
KTPSI: I will now put in my curlers and take up my afghan.
AmyNutbar: Tuck it in nicely around your legs.
KTPSI: My brittle, arthritic legs.
KTPSI: How you gonna just go hit Manny in the head?
AmyNutbar: You just best not.
KTPSI: I mean, for real. Was that Danny Haren? He still pissed we kicked his ass all over the field in the World Series?
AmyNutbar: Or Bellhorn bought the last of the good weed from his
Boston area hook up.
KTPSI: Dude, Bellhorn’s a bitch like that.
KTPSI: But you know he’d be all “Dude, I so didn’t know, man. Here, I’ll share.”
AmyNutbar: You know he would. But did Danny Haren’s bitch ass ask? No.
AmyNutbar: He just went and was like “Manny got access to the good shit and I don’t.”
KTPSI: He just pouted and hit Manny in the noggin.
KTPSI: “Noggin” TM Steve.
AmyNutbar: Plus, he’s a mouthbreather.
KTPSI: He’s totally a mouthbreather. And probably a close talker too.
AmyNutbar: And he’s not even a mouthbreather in the cute Youk way. I’ve actually seen Youk shut his mouth. Danny Haren was mouth breathing aaaall over the field tonight.
KTPSI: Dude, last time he faced us, we kicked his bitch ass all over the damn place. He’s scared. Youk ain’t scared of no one.
AmyNutbar: Youk is only scared of
Rhode Island.
KTPSI: I would say something mean about
Rhode Island but Amy (sans nuts) will read this and will totally start lobbing paperclips at my head.
AmyNutbar: Hi, Amy!
AmyNutbar: It’s like a metablog. Or something.
KTPSI: We’re so self aware.
AmyNutbar: We know we’re crazy. We know this shit will be posted for all to see.
KTPSI: TIM
WAKEFIELD
, SMILE YOU BASTARD! YOU’RE 4-1!
AmyNutbar: In the dugout! Always with the “Who the fuck took my spot on the bench?” look.
KTPSI: The “I’m’a get Dougie to kick your ass for me. Why you think I got a private catcher for? Move, bitch.”
AmyNutbar: Dougie is so square shaped.
AmyNutbar: A square is a rectangle is a Dougie.
KTPSI: Who will FUCK PEOPLE UP!
KTPSI: And also: hit bombs.
AmyNutbar: And gives out Youk’s phone number.
KTPSI: To Amy. (both Amy’s have the Youk love).
KTPSI: He’s totally Youk’s pimp.
AmyNutbar: He gave out Youk’s number on a trophy tour.
KTPSI: He did?
AmyNutbar: Yup.
AmyNutbar: During his speech.
AmyNutbar: Poor Youk.
KTPSI: Or lucky Youk. Depending on who called him.
AmyNutbar: It wasn’t me.
AmyNutbar: So I don’t think he was very lucky.
KTPSI: Obviously not.
KTPSI: Curt Schilling very much wants me to buy a truck. He won’t leave me alone about it. He haunts my dreams.
AmyNutbar: Trucks are not for girls.
AmyNutbar: You never see girls in truck ads.
KTPSI: But Curt is asking so nicely. And he even got Adam Vinatieri to ask too.
KTPSI: I think I probably promised them both that if they won their respective championships, I’d buy a truck.
AmyNutbar: Adam Vinatieri is so funny in that ad.
AmyNutbar: He like books it out of there before the ad is done.
KTPSI: Have you seen the one with bobbleheads? Terrifying.
AmyNutbar: No. And I don’t want to. I am scared of bobbleheads.
KTPSI: It’s not even their voices. And then there’s a cartoon triceratops. It was totally Bellhorn’s marketing final.
AmyNutbar: Hahhahhhh!
AmyNutbar: Bellhorn needs to stop sharing his weed. Except for with those who can handle it. And Remy.
KTPSI: Did you hear Remy on Friday? I’m not entirely sure he can handle it.
AmyNutbar: He can’t handle it. But we reap the benefits of it.
KTPSI: You know, I’m pissed at Johnny Damon and all, but I’m not going to be mad at NESN if they want to show me interviews with him with wet hair and the no shirt.
AmyNutbar: No shirt interviews are the best.
AmyNutbar: Except for when it is Edgar Renteria.
AmyNutbar: Then I just feel dirty.
KTPSI: JD has nice shoulders. Which doesn’t mean he sucks any less.
KTPSI: I do too. Edgar lust is like just wrong.
AmyNutbar: He has a baby face.
KTPSI: And looks terrified, like of breathing and maybe loud noises.
AmyNutbar: Bellhorn is the only one without at bat music.
AmyNutbar: Do they refuse to play The Dead at Fenway or something?
KTPSI: Heh, he’s all “I couldn’t decide which Phish song, man, there’s like, so many. soooo many…”
AmyNutbar: Hahahahhahha.
KTPSI: And then he gets distracted by a lava lamp.
AmyNutbar: Hahahhaa, I totally plugged the lava lamp in for my tryst.
KTPSI: Niiiice!
AmyNutbar: It was pretty funny.
AmyNutbar: Because I didn’t want it to be pitch black. But bright light is no friend of the booty call.
AmyNutbar: As um, the blog commenters will agree. 😉
KTPSI: HI, BLOG COMMENTERS!

The conversation then devolved into topics only tangentially related to baseball which none of y’all need to hear about. Least of all my mom. Hi, Mom! So there you are, a glimpse into my scary, scary mind.

Tonight it’s Bronson “Saturn Balls” Arroyo going against some Kirk Saarloos who, it appears, suffers from the Andy Pettitte disease of excessive letter hoarding. Perhaps he can share some with Cla Meredith? Regardless, Saarloos sounds like a Lord of the Rings villian to me and with a 1-2 record and a 5.64 ERA, he seems considerably less fearsome than your average Christopher Lee character. Besides, don’t look now but Saturn Balls is pitching his little curls off. He’s 4-0 and it was noted this morning on SportsDesk that the team is so confident behind him, it’s like it was when, gulp, Pedro was around. Como? High praise indeed. Guess we’ll see.

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