The Boston Red Sox, Brought to You by Rogaine

Amy and Kristen find themselves metablogging again. The following is the result wherein we discuss Youk’s new physique, Bellhorn’s new facial hair configuration, the fact that none of the Red Sox player’s children like their dads very much, and we deem ourselves imaginary commissioners of baseball:

AmyNutbar: Hi.
KristenThePerfectlySaneIndividual: Hang on, Tek Zone.
KTPSI: Ok. Your pimp (Mark Kotsay) is not allowed to catch Tek’s pop flies.
AmyNutbar: My pimp needs to just stand there.
AmyNutbar: YOUUUUK. He really is more streamlined.
KTPSI: I agree.
AmyNutbar: Oooh I’d hit it.
KTPSI: Youk is eminently hittable.
AmyNutbar: I am so gonna marry him.
AmyNutbar: BELLHORN HAS A GOATEE! No more designer stubble! FEAR THE BELL!
KTPSI: Indeed.
AmyNutbar: He’s so clean looking. I can’t stop laughing.
KTPSI: JOHNNY DAMON SUCKS!
AmyNutbar: He does suck.
KTPSI: DON’T MAKE TROT RUN, YOU BASTARDS!
AmyNutbar: Does Edgar Renteria run like a 90-year-old woman or is just me?
KTPSI: He does. He also does ballet at the plate.
AmyNutbar: Aww, Ortiz has Bernie Logue’s initials on his helmet!
KTPSI: Tizzle is a pimp with a big heart is why.
KTPSI: Manuelito!
AmyNutbar: Manny!
KTPSI: Stupid A’s.
KTPSI: Your illegal boyfriend is up.
(Amy hearts Charles Thomas).
AmyNutbar: Why illegal?
KTPSI: Because he’s on the other team. It’s only allowed if you know it’s wrong.
AmyNutbar: Oh I know.
KTPSI: Mark Kotsay can still be your pimp though. But he needs to suck.
AmyNutbar: Have you heard of that show Teammates on ESPN?
KTPSI: Yup.
AmyNutbar: Barry Zito is on tomorrow.
KTPSI: With who?
AmyNutbar: Bitchface Byrnes.
KTPSI: Ew.
KTPSI: YOUK!!!!
AmyNutbar: That’s RIGHT baby!
AmyNutbar: In the commercial for this episode, Bitchface is talking about Zito’s curvy woman hips.
KTPSI: Bitchface should talk about how he can’t get laid so he attacked a fan on the field for some action.
AmyNutbar: He’s even more of a bitchface out of uniform.
KTPSI: I would imagine so.
KTPSI: Bill Mueller!
AmyNutbar: ROCK THE FUCK ON
KTPSI: I like hitting. Hitting is fun.
AmyNutbar: Are we metablogging tonight?
KTPSI: Oh, we could.
AmyNutbar: We can start metablogging NOW!
KTPSI: And…go!
AmyNutbar: METABLOG!
AmyNutbar: I am digging the new Bellhorn beard.
KTPSI: I think, maybe, he’s been bored? Or he’s been alerted to the legions of crazy Bellhorn fangirls?
AmyNutbar: Slumpbuster?
KTPSI: Or that.
AmyNutbar: He got a haircut.
KTPSI: My dad is not fond of The Horn. He wants me to write about why he sucks and call for his head.
KTPSI: Like people actually listen to me.
AmyNutbar: Bell does not suck.
KTPSI: Besides, if I said so, Steve wouldn’t be my BFF anymore.
AmyNutbar: Oh Bell.
KTPSI: And there it is. (Bellhorn, what else, strikes out).
AmyNutbar: Oh dear.
AmyNutbar: Straighten it out, Johnny!
KTPSI: He don’t need to be usin’ two hands!
AmyNutbar: I love how Bellhorn has this incredible, 80 million pitch at bat, and then he strikes out.
KTPSI: And he’s all, “What? Dude threw some pitches.”
KTPSI: JOHNNY DAMON, YOU ARE ON THE LIST!
AmyNutbar: Johnny Damon is so on the list. He has reached new lows on the list.
AmyNutbar: Bellhorn looks less stoned today. Maybe he wants to set a better example for me.
AmyNutbar: NOT SCORING RUNS WITH THE BASES LOADED AND NO ONE MAKES THE BABY JESUS CRY.
AmyNutbar: AND THE BABY AMY.
KTPSI: And all babies. Everywhere.
KTPSI: I don’t think the Red Sox like babies.
AmyNutbar: They keep having them a lot.
KTPSI: That team is breeding rather much now, no?
AmyNutbar: Steve said something about “Increased virility: another side effect of World Champs.”
AmyNutbar: DAMMIT ALL
KTPSI: ARGH!
AmyNutbar: DAMMIT. DAMMIT.
KTPSI: Edgar is getting a stern talking to.
AmyNutbar: Edgah is almost by Johnny Damon he’s so low on the list.
KTPSI: All the babies are crying.
AmyNutbar: Oh that must be all the wailing I’m hearing.
KTPSI: Bronson likes happy babies.
AmyNutbar: Bronson also enjoys rainbows, hugs, and kittens.
KTPSI: But they can’t have kittens in the clubhouse because Matty Clement is allergic.
AmyNutbar: Non-allergenic.
KTPSI: Ok, because Varitek carries Matty’s medications in a fanny pack. But sometimes, Manny steals it.
AmyNutbar: Probably he wears it as a hat.
KTPSI: He likes the pretty colored pills.
AmyNutbar: Do you hear that jangling? Is there a herd of cattle celebrating?
KTPSI: Oakland is…windy.
AmyNutbar: Durazo just made the fucking oddest succession of faces. I kind of feel bad for his girlfriend after witnessing that.
KTPSI: WHATTHEFUCK? (Bellhorn made a routine pop fly into an adventure)
AmyNutbar: Holy crap, Bell!
KTPSI: I just SAID it was windy! Just SAID!
AmyNutbar: See, look how alert he is today.
KTPSI: Oh my holy fucking, fuckity, fuck, STOP SHOWING THE REPLAYS OF THE DAMON/JACKSON COLLISION, NESN!
AmyNutbar: Aww, Youk, gallant effort.
AmyNutbar: I love the way he wears his gloves in his pocket. It’s like his butt is waving at me.
KTPSI: Hi, Amy! I’m Youk’s ass!
AmyNutbar: You love me!
AmyNutbar: He so pretty 🙂
KTPSI: Youk’s ass and I both love you.
AmyNutbar: Warm fuzzies.
AmyNutbar: Now let us see if the offense can give me the warm fuzzies as well. Last inning was all cold pricklies.
KTPSI: And papercuts. And sour milk. Last inning tasted like sour milk.
AmyNutbar: Eeew.
KTPSI: I hate you, Oakland, did I tell you that yet?
AmyNutbar: Oakland sucks.
KTPSI: *head explodes*
AmyNutbar: Hmm?
KTPSI: Bloody Ortiz shift. I feel like it’s cheating.
AmyNutbar: It’s stupid.
AmyNutbar: And I want it GONE.
KTPSI: Let’s vote to get rid of it. All in favor?
AmyNutbar: AYE
KTPSI: Seconded.
AmyNutbar: Okay. It’s removed
KTPSI: Good. I like how we’re so diplomatic about things. We should run baseball.
AmyNutbar: Honestly? Yes.
KTPSI: We would be the greatest things ever to happen to the Commissioner’s office.
AmyNutbar: FUUU MAN CHUUU
KTPSI: I heart Trotter. I can’t not. Even when shit like that happens.
AmyNutbar: TROT NIXON RUNS FASTER THAN EDGAR RENTERIA. I want him and Kevin Millar in a footrace, stat.
KTPSI: The snail who lives along the first base line would win. And be sitting there drinking a beer, waiting for those slow-mos to get to the bag
AmyNutbar: Or Johnny Pesky.
KTPSI: Johnny Pesky kicks their youthful asses every day and twice on Sundays.
AmyNutbar: Johnny Pesky is all shouting to them “You call that running, girls? I know dead guys who run faster than you!”
AmyNutbar: JOHNNY DAMON,I HATE YOU.
KTPSI: He is getting poked with a sharp stick. Until he cries
KTPSI: He can’t not run into things. He just can’t.
KTPSI: JD sees something, another teammate, a wall, an otherwise stationary object, and he thinks “I wonder if I can move this with my head.”
AmyNutbar: The FSN Bay Area feed just showed this kid with a giant plastic bat in one hand and a foam finger on the other. Yelling is fool head off.
KTPSI: I hope that kid sits on a melted ice cream cone.
AmyNutbar: Seriously. It was not an “I’m cute” moment. It was a “My mom took me to Raiders’ games in utero” moment.
KTPSI: Dude, Raiders fans? Yikes.
AmyNutbar: This kid was like a mini Raider fan. He’s probably in some kind of training program.
AmyNutbar: Petition to get Bill Mueller’s home pants as tight as his away pants.
KTPSI: Aye.
AmyNutbar: Seconded.
KTPSI: It’s done.
KTPSI: WAY TO LEAN INTO IT, CHARLES THOMAS! DON’T YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW YOU DID!
AmyNutbar: Mark Kotsay needs to P.I.M.P. himself right into a double play here.
KTPSI: Agreed. We deem it so. And we are imaginary commissioners.
KTPSI: Fuckermother! (Instead, Mark Kotsay hits a bases clearing double).
AmyNutbar: Fucking hell on a stick. Are we kidding?
AmyNutbar: AND WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS COWBELL NONSENSE? ARE HITS SO RARE THEY REQUIRE NOISEMAKERS OTHER THAN APPLAUSE? ARE THE FANS THAT DENSE THAT THEY CAN’T CHEER AND INSTEAD HAVE TO RING SHIT?
KTPSI: This is the same city that boasts Raiders fans. So, in short…yes.
AmyNutbar: FUCK YOU, EDGAR RENTERIA. FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON.
KTPSI: Are the Cardinals still paying him to suck for us?
AmyNutbar: HEY, BRONSON HOW ABOUT NOT SUCKING?
KTPSI: This is going to hell rapidly.
AmyNutbar: Why am I in this handbasket?
AmyNutbar: MIKE MYERS, OH BOY. I’M SO CALM. THAT INDIAN FOOD IS NOT GIVING ME HEARTBURN AT ALL WHEN I SEE MIKE MYERS PLAYING IN THE BULLPEN.
KTPSI: I wouldn’t blame Bronson if he turned around and started pelting his teammates with the ball.
AmyNutbar: They owe him beer for life after last season.
KTPSI: The fucking leprechauns are back! *whimpers* (The Foxwoods commercial=pure evil)
AmyNutbar
: Oh jaysus.
AmyNutbar: See? I said it Irishly.
KTPSI: Nice work.
KTPSI: David Wells returning to the rotation. I’m unclear, is this a good thing?
KTPSI: I STILL REQUIRE A PONY, DAVID!
AmyNutbar: Varitek wants us and his unborn baby to like him.
KTPSI: Ahem, while we were interviewing David Wells, Varitek got a base hit. But we did not see it, because NESN hates me.
AmyNutbar: Youk could tie it.
KTPSI: Youk wants to.
AmyNutbar: This is the 1 year and 1 day anniversary of his first one.
KTPSI: Did you have to look that up or did you know that by heart?
AmyNutbar: Um.
KTPSI: Hee. If I were anyone else, probably I would be scared by that kind of recall. But I’m me. So I just shrug and assume you knew it.
AmyNutbar: I really do have a good memory for random things.
KTPSI: Me too. I am killer at Trivial Pursuit.
AmyNutbar: WE’RE LOSING TO A GUY WITH A “SEASON HIGH” 4 STRIKEOUTS.
KTPSI: And way too many vowels. I just…I’m spent with the anger. I don’t know what to do with them anymore. I think I’m having an existential crisis.
AmyNutbar: It’s so late. Yet it is not. MARK BELLHORN HOME RUN NOW. (Mark Bellhorn hits a double).
AmyNutbar: Do you see how Bellhorn HALFWAY listened to me?
KTPSI: I saw that.
KTPSI: He can hear you with the hair out of his ears.
KTPSI: So help me if Edgah hits into a triple play…
AmyNutbar: Yes he can. He’s so clean.
AmyNutbar: Maybe he had to meet some chick’s mom.
KTPSI: Probably that is it.
AmyNutbar: Or they had a hygiene intervention.
KTPSI: I haven’t seen Millar tonight. So maybe.
AmyNutbar: THIS IS HOW WE DO IT.
KTPSI: *Montell Jordon mojo*
AmyNutbar: Ooooh. And Matt Clement’s beard is probably being debugged.
KTPSI: Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.
AmyNutbar: Or de-birded. It could be a nest you know.
KTPSI: Probably. Maybe Sam should be informed of this?
AmyNutbar: She could band them. Then we’d know if they returned.
KTPSI: You know what? B’s not gonna lose this game. No matter what.
KTPSI: That’s pretty awesome.
AmyNutbar: B rocks my face off. And that pleases me.
AmyNutbar: 401 sound good to you?
KTPSI: In what way?
AmyNutbar: Manny.
KTPSI: Heh. Oh yeah. *tightens helmet*
AmyNutbar: The chinstrap on your helmet is very becoming.
KTPSI: Thanks, it’s padded so it doesn’t chafe.
KTPSI: Are they disrespecting the Tek? Is that what’s going on there?
AmyNutbar: I do think that’s precisely it.
AmyNutbar: AND IT IS TIME TO FUCK YABU’S SHIT UP!
KTPSI: JASON VARITEK, MAKE ME CALL MY BROTHER!
KTPSI: The jersey is on.
AmyNutbar: Good.
AmyNutbar: Fuck his SHIT UP!
AmyNutbar: OH TEK. Why can’t he hit with the bases loaded?
AmyNutbar: YOUK IT IS AAAAAAALLLLL you, baby.
KTPSI: I hate this team.
AmyNutbar: Are we kidding?
KTPSI: *cries*
AmyNutbar: Are they unaware of how violently the A’s suck? Bobby Crosby is on the DL because of whiplash from sucking so hard.
AmyNutbar: Bye bye, Charles Thomas. Mark Kotsay, time to P.I.M.P. your ass to the bench.
KTPSI: Whoop!
AmyNutbar: YOUUUIK!
AmyNutbar: Did you see that?!
KTPSI: That’s a majah leagua stretch.
AmyNutbar: That was big league indeed!
AmyNutbar: MARK BELLHORN HOME RUN NOW. (Jason Kendall misplays an easy foul pop up).
KTPSI: I know a catcher who would not have dropped that.
AmyNutbar: Me too. His name is my brother.
KTPSI: Also that.
KTPSI: JD, you know what to do.
AmyNutbar: No he doesn’t. Because he sucks. And he’s on the list. FOREVER!
KTPSI: There is a Johnny Damon clock at Newbury Comics. Surely that is not necessary.
AmyNutbar: Whatever. If he gets on base Edgah is just going to hit into a DP.
AmyNutbar: JOHNNY DAMON DID NOT CUT HIS HAIR FOR CHARITY LAST YEAR AND THE FANS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH LIKING IT OR NOT.
KTPSI: Johnny Damon hates kids!
AmyNutbar: Oh he does. His kids think he sucks.
AmyNutbar: How many times can you ask Edgah not to hit into a DP in one night?
KTPSI: He’s testing my patience. (Edgah strikes out).
KTPSI: Hey, good job, he didn’t take anyone with him!
AmyNutbar: WHAT THE FUCKING MC FUCK FUCK WAS THAT SWING?
KTPSI: Papi, fix this.
AmyNutbar: REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE. YOU ARE THE BADDEST MAN IN THE WHOLE DAMN TOWN.
KTPSI: I hate life.
AmyNutbar: I’m going to eat my fist.
KTPSI: What bloody inning is it?
AmyNutbar: 8th.
AmyNutbar: Bronson looks really stoned right now.
KTPSI: I do not blame him
AmyNutbar: WHY IS MIKE MYERS ON THIS TEAM?
KTPSI: What the shit was that? (Mike Myers was involved in a spectacular pratfall at first that resulted in the runner being called safe).
AmyNutbar: Youk’s all “Fuck man, who do you think I am?”
KTPSI: I am still watching this game. Why is that?
AmyNutbar: (Quoting me from the SGMB game thread) “I’m going to kill something small and cute soon.”
KTPSI: Well someone’s dying, that’s for damn sure.
KTPSI: I totally have to stay up for the end of this disaster, don’t I? It’s defeatist to go to sleep now.
AmyNutbar: Hey Millar, your wife still thinks you suck.
KTPSI: You pinch hit for Youk, you better not suck.
KTPSI: Bastards.
KTPSI: Oh, wait. (Somehow, just to prolong the anguish, Millar is called safe).
KTPSI: Not bastards yet.
KTPSI: Come on, Bill Mueller.
KTPSI: I want good things.
AmyNutbar: BUELLY.
AmyNutbar: YOU ARE THE MAN
AmyNutbar: Mueller’s kids think he sucks. FYI.
KTPSI: Does he have kids?
AmyNutbar: 2. And they are weeping.
KTPSI: I don’t like baseball.
AmyNutbar: This game made the baby Jesus cry.

And just in case you can’t get enough of this kind of thing (you sick, twisted individual), check out Emma’s blog. Yeah, I was multi-tasking.

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