A Question for the Ages: Why Does A.J. Run?

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(photo from Yahoo! Sports)

Dudes? This baseball thing? Kind of a good time when you’re not full of bile and anger and spewing insults at the television every time Joe Torre is shown probing his nose with his Go-Go Yankee Finger.

In fact, last night’s Angels/ChiSox Game 1 of the ALCS was actually kinda fun to watch. The Rick called about the third inning:

Dad: Whatcha up to?

Me: Oh, I’m just over at Annette’s new apartment. Eating some pizza and watching the game on a fuzzy TV with Annette and Marianne. We’re talking about how great Nomar used to be. And how the team went to hell in 2001 when Tek broke his elbow. It’s a very civil discussion. We’re hardly swearing at all.

Dad: I’m very proud of you.

Me: This is kind of fun, huh?

Dad: What’s that?

Me: This not having to hate the other team thing. Baseball is kind of fun.

Dad: Imagine that.

And it was.

Of course, it being a Fox televised game, we were treated to a stream of utter inanities on the part of a one Mr. Tim McCarver. Perhaps the most entertaining of which was the philosophical discussion he set forth when, after seeing Paul Byrd throw over to first to keep A.J. Pierzynski honest he asked, seemingly out of nowhere, “Why does A.J. run?” But it wasn’t the question so much as the tone. He asked it in such a reverent, awed tone one might say, “Do you take this woman?” or “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.” He was positively wowed by this line of questioning.

It became a bit of a joke with us. Whenever someone would make a great play prompting the, “Wow, how did he do that?” question, one of us would inevitably say, “Yes, but the real question remains: Why does A.J. run?” You can only guess the fun we had when Pierzynski attempted to steal second, only to be gunned down by one of the Juggling Molina Brothers.

Oh, that’s another thing. We’ve decided – in our position as commissioners of Imaginary Baseball World – that Bengie, Jose and Yadier Molina should hereinafter be referred to as the “Juggling Molina Brothers.” And should the Angels meet the Cardinals in the World Series, they should entertain the crowd between innings by juggling chest protectors, helmets and shin guards. Maybe they could be lit on fire to really get the crowd into it. Their at bat music will also be changed to that circus song. You know the one, Do do doodle deedle do do do doo!

Aaaaanyway…Annette, Marianne and I also decided that if Theo and Bill Belichick ever teamed up on anything, they would rule the world. No one else would stand a chance. We even went so far as to invent an alternate sport for them to run. In which the players wear padding and the object is to knock the ball away from the other team. We went on like this for about twenty minutes without pause until I said, “Did we just invent rugby?”

“Huh,” Marianne said, “I think we did.”

“We so rule.” Annette confirmed.

Other things that would happen if we ran baseball:

  • Lou Piniella is going to need to be drunk every time he appears in the broadcast booth from here on out. He was far too lucid last night and nary a base was tossed into right field. His hair even appeared to be combed. Next time, I want to see him gnawing on McCarver and calling Joe Buck “pretty boy.” Additionally, if we ever decide to form a softball team, Marianne gets to be our manager because she has the Lou Piniella Edition glove. Obviously, this will entail her sending people out to the mound to browbeat the pitcher because she’s too lazy and/or drunk to do it herself. At least she’s got the drunk part down.
  • Curtis Leskanic and Dennis Eckersley will host a pre and post-game show every night. Tom Caron will sit between them, trying to make sense of the madness, wondering aloud where it all went wrong and openly swigging from a bottle of Jack Daniels. Leskanic will have to wear his kicky hat. Occasionally, Sam Horn will stick his head in the frame and scream “KaPOW!”
  • All games in which McCarver is used as a commentator will require the use of the Tim McCarver Drinking Game. Whenever McCarver makes a completely unrelated statement (like, say, when he starts stringing together random words, “Fire truck, parking meter, orange, belt buckle, light socket.”), DRINK! Every time he mentions a random factoid that Fox backs up with video (like, say, the fact that Darin Erstad was a punter in college), DRINK! Every time the viewing audience can hear Joe Buck’s eyes rolling, DRINK! See? It’s fun and good times for everyone!

See? Giving yourself ultimate power over imaginary sports is fun! So I leave it to you, dear readers. What would you do if you ran baseball?

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