As we all know, the NFL season kicks off tonight. (Heh, “kicks off.” See what I did there?)
Also, if you didn’t know that the season starts tonight, I’d ask you kindly to put down the Krazy Glue and back away from the computer because how the hell did you get here?
Anyway, the season, she starts tonight. With a matchup between the Miami Dolphins and the Pittsburgh Steelers (minus Baby Ben because he go esplody). Apparently there’s to be all kinds of country music shenanigans as well. Ew. (Sorry, Amanda!). But what I want to know is, in a match-up between Division Rival-Miami and Team I Just Don’t Like, No, Sir, Not At All-Pittsburgh, is it too soon for me to start rooting for Team Rogue Meteorite? Because I demand an Option C. I demand a “none of the above.”
Because, did you hear? Sports Illustrated is picking the Dolphins to win the division and eventually meet Carolina in the Super Bowl. Where Carolina will win. Two things. Thing the first: I am nearly positive that this is like the fifteenth straight year that SI has chosen Carolina as the eventual Super Bowl winner. Evidently they’ll just keep picking them until they’re right. And thing the second: Someone at Sports Illustrated loves them some teal and aqua. Because they are letting 12-year-old girls wearing leggings and putting Lisa Frank dolphin stickers all over their Trapper Keepers pick the Super Bowl teams now. Wow.
But none of that matters at the moment because…FOOTBALL! Real, live, fancy, hot, sweaty football! In a matter of hours. Thank god.