(photo from Boston.com)
Amy and I discuss football at varying levels of sanity, thus proving, once again, that we are not well.
Amy: Remdawg Unleashed is on.
Kristen: I am watching Colts/Jets before the Pats’ game and hatin’ pretty hard on everyone involved.
A: Laverneus should sack up and get a few TDs.
K: He should. I agree. I also agree that Chad Pennington should not throw an interception in his own end zone. But he thought that would be fun.
A: An interception in his own endzone? Ass. Hole.
K: For reals. They had the Colts on the ropes and then decided it would be fun to turn it over.
A: That is because the J-E-T-S-S-U-C-K.
K: They really, really do. They have them on the ropes again. Odds they fuck it up?
K: The Broncos have a bye week this week. Maybe Plummer can spend his bye week violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy?
A: I feel like football players smoke a lot of weed.
K: Especially if they live in Denver, have a neck beard and their name is Jake Plummer.
A: Neck beards are grooooosssssss.
K: You know, Jets, you can actually TRY to stop him.
A: That would be hard for them though.
K: Jets fans are throwing beer bottles on the field. Aren’t New York fans classy?
A: Jets fans are the classiest. NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE PATRIOTS YAY.
K: I am nervous, I’m not gonna lie.
A: Me too. But I enjoy that kind of football.
K: The thing is, dear Announcers, for the last five years, the Patriots have never NOT had a depleted secondary. TRY TO KEEP UP. It’s awesome that I’m having heart palpitations already. AWESOME.
A: Sports are fun.
K: I was just gonna say, do you ever think that sometimes, you might actually hate sports?
A: Are we done on offense already?
K: We are. The Bengals, however, are having tons of fun on offense. Don’t we have a defense? Or did I imagine that?
A: Dear Junior Seau,
Let us now intercept.
K: We can’t start this game down 10-0. We can’t. No, for real, I think I might hate sports. Tommy is not supposed to throw interceptions. And the next Peyton Manning commercial I see, I am taking a hostage.
A: I was thinking we need start counting. From now on.
K: Okay, there have been at least three already. And that’s a conservative estimate. The thing is, at the moment, I love football. Watch that change in about 32 seconds. I WILL HAVE LAURENCE MARONEY’S SPEEDY, DREALOCKED BABIES.
K: Lomo likes touchdowns, yo.
A: Emma and I were talking a couple days ago and she is all “I love his dreadlocks. It is like they are waving goodbye to the other team.”
K: Sort of like Kevin Youkilis’s batting gloves in his back pocket. Except more awesome and with less mouthbreathing.
A: And a little more badass motherfuckery.
K: Yes, ma’am. I think Tommy is going to start doodling on his playbook. “I *heart* Lomo.”
A: The announcer just said that he’s been talking about the depleted secondary for 4 straight years. I NEED MORE CUMIN
K: Good. It’s about time they are as smart as me. Troy Brown cannot retire. Who will sell popcorn during halftime if he retires?
A: Troy Brown is 9. He is too young to retire.
K: He is more like 59. He is my dad’s favorite player and I’m pretty sure that’s because he’s been playing since my dad was a wee lad. I LOVE TOMMY LOVE TOMMY LOVE TOMMY LOVE DOUG GABRIEL LOVE.
K: That is Doug Gabriel, he is Lomo’s doppelganger. Lomo has Manny dreads with the blonde.
A: SO MANY BEDREADED MENS. Doug Gabriel’s new name is Dougga.
A: Did we break Chad Johnson?
K: I think he just knocked the wind out of himself. We can’t break him if Rodney is not involved. Rodney has a vendetta. If that mohawked motherfucker is broken, we didn’t do it. I’m sure Rodney is sad at the missed opportunity.
A: Rodney broke him with his mind.
K: The Panthers look funny with their blue legs. Like little martians.
A: Perhaps why that is why everyone always picks them for the Super Bowl. You don’t want to pick against aliens.
K: You think? Wouldn’t you think the aliens would choose to wear better colors? Or are they like the aliens that come back in the wrong time and mistakenly think that teal is all the rage?
A: According to most literature and film regarding martians, they are very fond of things in the green family.
K: That makes sense. Unless you consider teal to be blue.
A: Teal is a fancy word for blue-green
K: You are so smart. This is maybe the best conversation we’ve ever had.
A: We ask the hard-hitting questions
K: Wow, Tommy is slow. He is only allowed to run when no one will hit him. Ever.
A: That was a very interesting defensive play. “I will now hold your leg like a toddler.”
K: Wow, our kicker sucks.
A: Dear New Kicker,
Your new name is Suckfest.
K: Yeah, I wanted to like the guy. But wow, he is not making it easy. I guess I should take comfort in the fact that Adam is broken and wouldn’t be helping us either. Oh god, pleasegetuppleasegetuppleasegetup
A: Who is down what?
K: Colwell. He’s alive. But damn. And LOMO is SEEKING VENGEANCE. WOOOO!
A: LOMO IS A BEAST
K: I love him so very, very much. I also love that Corey Dillon clearly loves him.
A: It is sort of like Papi and Wily Mo.
K: That is exactly what it is like. All we need is just a little touchdown.
A: Tommy and Dougga’ve got what it takes to make it.
K: Don’t forget Lomo. Lomo don’t front, yo.
A: No. Lomo don’t front.
K: I lurve Jarvis Green. And I lurve Corey Dillon.
A: I love Corey Dillon enough to make his mom uncomfortable. Penalty for celebrating?
K: Because Corey Dillon came from Cincy where he was regarded as a “malcontent.” And then he went to NE and won a Super Bowl. So that TD was a big “fuck you” to Cincy. And I am fine with it.
A: Yup. I can get behind that. Lomo is such a good nickname. It is like the opposite of Slowmo.
K: You know why it is awesome? Because it is also like “locomotive.” And he is fast and strong like a locomotive.
A: And “loco” is crazy and he gots crazy hair.
K: HE’S OFF THE RAILS LIKE A CRAZY TRAIN.
K: I like that if you go back to the beginning of the game, I am suicidal.
A: You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t get emotional over football. Also, Dougga? Working out after a red eye?
K: Bad. Ass.
A: He could kill someone barehanded
K: I think he might.
A: I vote that it be Peyton Manning. How is the commercial count coming?
K: Actually, I have not noticed any other Peyton commercials. How is that possible?
A: Maybe the better Tommy is, the less they happen?
K: That’s entirely possible. And Tommy is really fucking good.
A: 38-13. DAMN. Tedy is taking over Papa Gino’s commercials. I am happy. I am glad I have found the silver lining to Vinatieri leaving.
K: And that is the Papa Gino’s commercials?
A: It is more Bruschi in my life.
K: And who doesn’t need that? I think everyone could use some more Bruschi in their life.
A: KING OF LINEBACKERS
K: Abso-fucking-lutely. He was relatively quiet today. I shall expect him to kill someone next week.
A: He doesn’t sleep. He waits.
K: I want to hug him until I die.
A: I want to brush his hair. Is that weird?
K: Of course not, that’s why he keeps it so lustrous and gleaming.
A: That and a dash of the pomade.
K: He should really do hair care commercials.
A: It is a good thing he does not have girl children, for they would never stop braiding it.
K: That is absolutely the truth. I have not seen the Papa Gino’s commercial. What happened?
A: He asks for a deal called a “crowd pleaser *” in a whisper and they keep making him say it louder. And when he says it in full voice, the place erupts. And then two kids go, “Oh, look there goes a crowd pleaser. But who is the guy in the Bruschi jersey?” And Tedy is all “Bitches, please.” It is good.
*The crowd pleaser is two pizzas and toasted ravioli and then a choice of some other stuff for free. All for like $15. Seems pretty awesome.
K: If Tedy tells me it’s awesome and I need it, I am not going to question him.
A: No, ma’am.