Tom Brady is Better Than You

(photo from

I’m sorry, I know people are getting tired of the Brady crushing and man-crushing. I know fans of other teams are rolling their eyes. I’m sure you’re sick of it. (Unless you’re a Colts fan, in which case, SHUT IT). But damn, dudes, last night, Tom Brady was better than you. And better than me. And better than everyone. That was a fun football game.

But can I tell you all how insane I am? Can I explain to you why I’m not a balanced person? Can I share that with you? Marianne showed up and I demanded she put on the Junior Seau jersey. Then the Pats were leading 31-7 with four minutes left in the game and I really needed to pee. However, I was sitting cross-legged on my couch with my laptop on my knees and I WOULD NOT GET UP because I was convinced that something bad would happen if I did. Earlier in the game, I grabbed Marianne’s Sox hat off the couch and put it on. Then Brady threw an interception and I took off the hat and threw it at her as if it were covered in maggots. Because, obviously, the hat was the problem. Then I got irritated with her when she fell asleep because HELLO, IT’S THE PATRIOTS STAY AWAKE, PLEASE.

So, in short, I am not well. It is a wonder my roommate has not killed me in my sleep.

Oh, and while we’re here, Brady’s receivers would like to address ESPN and everyone who said that he needs to work on his passing game.

Dear ESPN,

Tom Brady does not need a “go-to receiver.” We prefer the element of surprise.

All 10 receivers Brady used last night.

But I know one thing: If I’m Peyton Manning right now, I’m not looking at next week’s game at Gillette as a walk in the park. I’m more than a little concerned about that Laurence Maroney fellow and Tom Brady is clearly not messing around. I hope it snows nineteen feet. The good thing is that said game will be taking place the day after my birthday and it’s possible that I’ll still be inebriated. If by “possible,” I mean “probable.”

Dear Patriots,

All I want for my birthday is to beat the Colts in our house! (And maybe a Tom Brady bobblehead).


I know Broncos and Steelers fans will also be cheering for the Pats this coming week as we all come together in our mutual hatred of the Colts. It’s really quite a touching story when you think about it.

Man, I LOVE football.


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