"I’m big in Japan." – Theo Epstein


(photo from Boston.com)

Okay, I totally made that quote up. Except that I’m pretty sure it happened. Either way, Theo is HAMMERED on Sake bombs right now. Doing karaoke on the plane to “Turning Japanese” and calling John Henry a pussy for drinking un-spiked green tea. At one point, over Tokyo, Theo demanded that everyone on board refer to him as “Theo-zilla” for the duration of the flight and Tom Werner is breathing into a paper bag between gulps of, “That’s a lot of money. That’s an awful lot of money.”

Theo has also drunk-dialed Brian Cashman at least once and said, “You thought I had balls of steel when I traded Nomar. But now I’ve landed the DICE-Man!”

Curt Schilling, who has been learning Japanese and Jason Varitek, who feels that the universal language of baseball will suffice, greeted the plane at Hanscom Air Force Base in traditional samurai garb. Schilling then read a haiku he had composed for the occasion.

Matsuzaka-san
We welcome you to Boston
Now throw all the strikes

So basically what we’re saying is that Marianne and I need to stop drinking so much on weeknights.

Additionally, Mirabelli is back. And while that might make my brother happy, “Sweet, at least they’re locking up all the essential players,” he said, I figure it’s a case of the evil you know vs. the evil you don’t know. Or do we all want to re-live the Josh Bard Experiment?

And Gabe Kapler, aka The Hebrew Hammer, has opted for retirement instead of free agency. Kapler will remain with the organization as the manager of the Sox’ Single A affiliate Greenville Drive in the South Atlantic League. Personally, I’m stoked that Kapler will still be in the Sox organization and I think he’ll make a terrific manager. He’s always been the kind of player that was never the best at his position, but as such, has always worked hard and has always understood the importance of learning proper technique and work ethic. Plus, it’s kind of flattering that he wants to be a part of the organization enough to take the managing job. Also, I think he’s a good person to have around to keep an eye on Julio Lugo. Just ’cause.

So apparently the Jewish Santa Claus, in the person of Theo Epstein (aided by John Henry’s money) has brought us a Japanese ace for Christmas. And he appears to have done it on his terms. Now, as I’ve been saying, I view prospects and politicians in the same way. It’s exciting and we’re promised a whole hell of a lot, but you’re gonna need to show me something before I throw you a parade. So, Matsuzaka (I refuse to call him “Dice-K” or “D-Mat”), welcome to Boston. Now let’s see what you can do.

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