For the record…


…some things I wish to make clear.

  • Yes, that made me cry.
  • Yes, I broke things.
  • Yes, I still love Tom Brady.
  • No, apparently the Patriots DON’T have a defense.
  • Yes, I will be forced to watch the Food Network at the gym for the next two weeks because if you think I’m watching any of the HYPE TO EAT THE WORLD, you’re sniffing glue.
  • Yes, I am seriously considering the wisdom of raising your children as sports fans.
  • Yes, I used roughly forty-seven variations of the word “fuck” in all parts of speech when I talked to my mother as the game was ending.
  • No, I do not want Peyton Manning to just win his goddamn Super Bowl already so everyone will stop talking about it because? THEY NEVER WILL.
  • No, I don’t want the Bears to win either because Rex Grossman is not a real boy.
  • Yes, I am rooting for Team Rogue Meteorite.
  • Yes, I think I still have the flu and have wanted to throw up continually for a week and STILL I was forced to leave my apartment twice and walk around in 20 degree weather because I cannot handle this shit.
  • Yes, I’ve named my resulting ulcer “Pat.” (He’s located right next to “Wally” who tends to flare up during the summer months and into October.)
  • Yes, I think this is just about the least interesting Super Bowl match-up possible as America now hates the Bears for beating America’s adopted team and anyone who I care to associate with hates the Colts so…blah.
  • No, I don’t believe I’ll be watching the Super Bowl.
  • No, I don’t care if that makes me petty or shallow.
  • Yes, I take this shit way too personally.
  • Yes, if I see that dude who works at the hardware store on the corner wearing his Colts hat tomorrow morning, I will likely go in and smack him upside the head with a paint can.
  • Yes, I will be out of town next weekend and the LAST THING I will want to talk about is football.
  • Yes, I want baseball season to start now.

That cover everything?

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