It’s a dirty little secret of mine that I totally love Ben Affleck. I know, I know. After Armageddon and Pearl Harbor and everything. (Although I didn’t subject myself to Gigli). Obviously, out of the two Boston hetero-lifemates, I’m giving the acting edge to Matt Damon, but there’s something about Affleck I just like. First, he was smart enough not to marry that shrieky “singer” and “actress” Jennifer Lopez and instead did the wise thing and married Jennifer Garner who is just so adorable, I can barely stand it. Seriously, look at that picture. Don’t you just want to go out and have way too many margaritas with her and talk about boys? Anyway, now that I’ve alienated all of my male readers, I think the main reason I think of Affleck as a good boy is his inherent Red Sox fan-ness. Because I honestly believe that man is a genuine Red Sox fan. It’s not something he does to up his image or make him more popular with the people. After all, the Yankees are clearly the team the cool kids follow, right K-Fed? I mean, you don’t sport a Red Sox World Series hat while coming out of rehab all puffy and unshaven and looking like you just woke up in a dumpster unless the Sox are your boys. You just don’t. So I believe him.
So anyway, my closeted Affleck support could no longer be contained when Marianne sent me the following tidbit from the Globe:
Ben Affleck may have scored his best gig yet. The rabid Red Sox fan and father of 1-year-old Violet will be heard in the new kiddie DVD “Red Sox Baby: Raising Tomorrow’s Boston Red Sox Fan Today” when it comes out next month. The DVD promises to help teach “counting, spelling, and color recognition. It will also instill a love of the Red Sox in young ones,” according to a promotional blurb .
I’m sorry, but that is the cutest thing ever. Can you imagine, burly Affleck with the wee little one, going through the Sox yearbook and being all, “Oh, that’s Papi. We’ll teach you how to genuflect when you say his name.”
Yeah, not sane. Nope. Need further evidence?
Marianne and I have been watching an UNHEALTHY amount of Alias. From that, this discussion sprung:
Me: If I remember correctly from that “60 Second with Jason Varitek” thing on the Faith Rewarded DVD, ‘Tek admitted to being a huge Jennifer Garner fan. Dude, ‘Tek LOVES Alias.
Marianne: Dude, he did and he does.
Me: Which is one of the reasons I am delighted that she and Ben Affleck seem to be so happy together. And she looks cute in a Red Sox hat. And you know that Affleck has watched the Faith Rewarded DVD like fifty thousand times and he’s totally all, “Honey, ‘Tek has a crush on you. THAT’S SO FUCKING AWESOME!” Because Affleck has a total man crush on ‘Tek.
Marianne: Um, yes. All of the above.
Me: I would pay all of the money to watch that dinner party. With K–Tek all bitch-faced because Jason clearly has such a crush on Garner. And Affleck all geeked out about ‘Tek eating dinner with him and he’d be all asking him to try on his World Series ring and, “Dude, tell me again what it was like to punch that purple lipped pussy in the face!” And then Garner would be all nice to K–Tek and ask about drapes or minivans or something because she’s like the nicest person ever.
Marianne: Yeah, but really she just wants to hear the mitt sandwich story again too. And she wants to know what Papi is really like.
Me: Oh, of course. She’s a big fan. I mean, I get the sense that Affleck isn’t exactly subtle with the forcing his sporting interests onto his women. AND ‘TEK WOULD BRING LITTLE BABY VIOLET A TEENY, TINY VARITEK JERSEY!
Marianne: OF COURSE HE WOULD.
Me: Awww, I love imaginary Affleck/Garner/‘Tek world. Except that it’s totally true. JENNIFER GARNER WOULD EVEN BRING ‘TEK A CALZONE, I BET.
Marianne: OMG SHE SO WOULD. She’ll probably research what his favorite flavor is too.
Me: Awww, I love Jennifer Garner. So thoughtful.
Marianne: I know! So much love.
Me: Most adorable playgroup ever.
Marianne: I agree. And we’re not even baby people.
Me: But come on.
Marianne: For reals.