(Photo from Yahoo! Sports)
I haven’t heard from my brother yet, but I’m certain I will. It’s only a matter of time. Just when I’ll start feeling good about Tek’s output or telling myself that he doesn’t have to hit .400 to be valuable, my brother will call and say, “Hmmm, who hit a home run first, anyway? Was that Tek or Dougie?” He’s a smartass, my brother.
But honestly, is Doug Mirabelli the only player who doesn’t steadfastly refuse to score runs when Tim Wakefield is pitching? Yes, eventually others got in on the act but that wasn’t until Dougie had done his damage with his two RBIs and all hope anyone else might’ve had of fucking things up for Wake had vanished. Plus, you know, JD Drew and Julio Lugo and Dustin Pedroia are all new guys. They might not yet have gotten the memo.
To: All Red Sox Hitters
From: Red Sox Front Office
Re: No Run Support for Wakefield
As you all know, we have decided to continue in our quest to garner no run support for Tim Wakefield’s starts. We feel this benefits the team in that it gives the offense a night off and allows the bullpen a rest as extensive tests have concluded that Wakefield, being a knuckleball pitcher, is capable of throwing roughly 4,973 pitches per game without tiring. Additionally, he’s signed what amounts to a lifetime contract with the team so screw that guy.
We also feel this continuing storyline takes attention away from whatever Manny’s gotten up to and how JD Drew continues to not be Trot Nixon.
Thank you for your continued support in this matter.
Red Sox Front Office
cc: Red Sox Management
Maybe Drew and Lugo don’t read memos. And Pedroia’s only six. Maybe he can’t read big words yet.
Whatever the case, Dougie doesn’t really seem like a “following orders” type of guy. Of course, normally he doesn’t really seem like a “hitting baseballs” type of guy either. But every now and then, he gets lucky.
Of course, Dougie had some nice postgame things to say about Wake as well. “We just have to grind it out together,” he said to Tina Cervasio. “Grind it out” being one of Tek’s favorite phrases so evidently, the team was issued a Catcher Phrase Book this season.
But watching the Tim and Dougie show (as well as Wakefield’s postgame press conference in which he was sporting a plaid shirt and slicked back hair that made him look like an extra from O, Brother, Where Art Thou?), I ‘ve decided that it would be in NESN’s best interest to give us a Wake and ‘Belli reality show. Would you not watch that?
Amy and I discussed the possibilities last night when I called her to make sure she was seeing the shirt travesty Wakefield was perpetrating.
Me: I mean, honestly, it’d be the best reality show ever. It’d have a bit of an “Odd Couple” feel to it.
Amy: It could air after the “Jonathan Papelon Talks About Shit For an Hour” show.
Me: The episode where they go grocery shopping is my favorite.
Amy: Oh yeah, there’s all these arguments about what they can buy because Wakefield has a very specific list and Dougie’s an impulse buyer.
Me: Always wanting the gum and the candy at the register, that one.
Amy: And trying to sneak more items into the express lane.
Me: Which Tim does not appreciate at all.
Amy: No, ma’am. There are rules for a reason.
Me: And Dougie loves the salad bar but he hates that it’s so expensive.
Amy: It’s only salad, salad should be free!
Me: Well, those pickled eggs he insists on getting really add to the weight.
Amy: Exactly. And Tim keeps telling him that but Dougie just won’t listen.
Me: God, I love Imaginary Dougie and Wake world.
Amy: Who doesn’t?
Someone get NESN on the phone. This needs to happen. Wait until I tell them about the episode where they try to assemble a race car bed for Wakefield’s son. Emmy, people, Emmy.