Randy Moss is a Crazy Person And Other Things We Already Knew

(Surely we are immune to curious tonsorial decisions in this region)

Perhaps you have heard, the Patriots are now Randy Moss’ place of employ. Curious indeed. Personally, I like Bill Simmons’ take on the situation and choose the following as the most plausible among his many explanations for the deal:

//Just for the hell of it, Belichick decided to build this season’s Patriots offense the same way I doctor my “Madden” roster every August by making as many shady Patriots-related trades as possible. I swear, I would have ended up making all three of those moves in four months, even if they hadn’t happened.

I wonder if Miami will be dumb enough to trade me Wes Welker for a second-round pick? (Pause.) Wait … the Dolphins agreed to the deal?

I wonder if Donte’ Stallworth’s agent will be dumb enough to sign a multi-year deal in which only the first year is guaranteed. (Pause.) Wait … he said yes?

I wonder if the Raiders will accept a fourth rounder for Moss. Screw it, I’ll make the offer. (Pause.) Wait, I just got Randy Moss?

You have to admit, at the very least, we have the greatest “Madden” offense in Patriots history: Brady, Maroney, Watson, Moss, Stallworth, Welker, Caldwell, Gaffney, Brown. I mean … are you kidding me? Can I run a seven-receiver offense next year? Is that legal?//

So yeah, Randy Moss. Huh. But as I have explained to anyone who has asked me these past couple of days, I suspect that Belichick has already subdermally implanted a homing device and behavior modifier on Moss and has subliminally threatened his family should he do anything to disgrace “the family.” Because don’t tell me Belichick isn’t the NFL mafia. He totally is.

Of course, according to Dan Shaughnessy, we’re all mindless sycophants who would embrace anyone who wears the colors of our home team. Obviously, Shaughnessy is not aware of my feelings towards Julio Lugo. He also appears not to be aware of the fact that he’s a blowhard jackass but that’s been covered on numerous other sites. Ad nauseum.

I am also fairly certain that he’s written that exact same column at least twice before. I mean, we all remember what the general consensus was about both Rodney Harrison and Corey Dillon, do we not? Right.

Although, I have to admit, it’s really weird to be talking about football right now considering that May has just started and the Sox are hot (at present, Papelbon has just blown his first save and I’m ignoring that because facing it is about as terrifying as looking over the edge of a great precipice and feeling as though you’re going to fall off at any second). But what I do know is that, on paper at least, the Patriots are SCARY good. It remains to be seen what will happen when they take the field because, as we well know, championships aren’t won on paper. But still, I know that all the recent moves make the Steelers fans I know really, really angry. And that can only be good news. Especially because they can’t use the “buying a championship” argument because: salary cap.

I mean, this is why Belichick is the mafia. Or, at the very least, Obi Wan Kenobi, as I believe I’ve mentioned before. He has the same amount of money as Oakland or Houston or any other team. He just chooses to spend it wisely while Al Davis uses his money to purchase endless black and silver velour track suits. When was the last time Belichick spent any money on his personal appearance? Exactly.

On second thought, maybe it’s not so hard to talk about football when the Sox look headed for one of those interminable 15-inning games that they will eventually lose. Yes, I realize that David Ortiz is up in the bottom of the 10th, but Jonathan Papelbon blowing a save has shaken my beliefs to their very core. Up is down! Left is right! The Yankees are throwing a no-hitter! Yeah, that’s actually happening and yes, I hope I jinxed it by putting it in print. Like Marianne said, “there’s nothing quite like a blown save for rage blackouts.”

“This is true, because I now hate Oakland and the A’s and Miguel Tejada all over again for his ridiculous over the top reaction to the Derek Lowe “bite my tweeter” incident of 2003,” I said.

No one ever said there was anything rational about being a sports fan.


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