It’s All Julio’s Fault

(Photo from

Apparently, we have a misunderstanding. When I admonish the Sox to “get on the stick” because now I have cable and can delight in their glorious, run-scoring ways in real time, they somehow interpret that to mean, “stop scoring runs immediately.” Was it Opposite Day and no one told me?

Of course, I suppose it’s possible that they’ve just run out of the antidote to Tim Wakefield Disease. The 3-run home run I blame entirely on Lugo, of course, because, had he made the play before for the third out like he was supposed to, Ordonez wouldn’t have had the chance to jack one over the Monster. So once again, Julio Lugo continues to be Someone Whom I No Longer Want Employed By My Baseball Team.

Although, the way we go through shortstops around here, there’s a chance that his four year contract was just a ruse, but knowing my luck, I’ll be stuck with him for eternity. Rest assured, I will continue blaming everything from infield errors to the concession stands running out of Fenway Franks on Lugo.

And I’m pretty sure that while Coco was helping JD Drew up after his collision with the bullpen wall, he might’ve called him a pansy. And rightly so. Drew is listed as “day to day” with a bruised back and Coco, who went ass over teakettle a few weeks back, is likely unimpressed with Drew’s maladies. Although, I’m telling you, this is going to haunt Drew all season. So begins the slow introduction of your every day right fielder, Wily Mo Pena. Ugh.

As for Tim Wakefield, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but if that man doesn’t have a few severed heads in his freezer, I’ll be really surprised. I mean, his team can’t decide whether or not to score runs for him (yes, I KNOW Verlander is a great pitcher but it’s not like the Sox have never seen him before. Those are the types of hurlers they usually have trouble with, twelve-year-olds from South Side Little League). Then they’re all with the making errors behind him and THEN! To add insult to injury, NESN unveils it’s Doug Mirabelli commercial which is just…quite something, indeed. Has there ever been a Wakefield commercial? One telling us to buy tickets because Wakefield is super wicked awesome? Not that I can remember, no.

As for the Dougie commercial, did we make that happen? With the combined powers of our minds? You’ve seen it, yes? All shots of Dougie being a big, damn hero and such? And some fans holding a sign that says, “Dougie’s Goin’ Deep Tonight!” Which must mean they’ve read Dougie’s Diary. Which means we need to be friends immediately.

I emailed my brother to tell him about the commercial and his response, in addition to claiming it was the coolest thing he’s ever heard was, “I started the Dougie trend and you know it.” So there you have it, faithful readers, it’s all my brother’s fault.

Of course, because of it, he’s become a minor celebrity as, after Dougie’s juggling act last night, I got a phone call from Sebastian, lone Yankee fan telling me that he hoped I was happy because now every time someone so much as mentions Doug Mirabelli or he does anything noteworthy, Seb is now hard-wired to think of my brother.

“It’s not just you,” I told him. “Sometimes I get messages from strangers on the internet telling me that they don’t know me, but they thought of my brother.”

“Your brother is a celebrity,” Seb said.

So it would seem.

So, Dougie commercial awesomeness notwithstanding, can the Sox award my Comcast-paying ass and score some runs tonight, please? And by “some runs” I do not mean “one or two” UNLESS that is enough to win. I’m not greedy, you need only score one more run than the other team, but we’ve got Tavarez going tonight so who knows what it’s gonna take? Your guess is as good as mine.


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