Would you look at that man? That man is a pimp.
I think Timmy has just finally had enough from these jokers. “Fine, you’re only gonna score two runs? I’ll give up one then. Fine, the bullpen’s been shaky? I’ll throw eight innings. No, no, it’s cool. I totally don’t mind that you score fifteen runs every time for Tavarez and can barely scrape together a walk, a single and a sac fly for me to score a measly run. That’s fine. Doesn’t matter. I’m sure eventually this joke will get old and you’ll start scoring runs. I mean, it has to, right? I signed a LIFETIME CONTRACT!”
Can’t say Wake didn’t channel his rage.
And speaking of lifetime contracts, I got home last night a few scant minutes before game time and between flipping on the TV to catch the broadcast and trying to avoid tripping over the cat who is HELL BENT on causing me a knee injury, I could have sworn I heard Don Orsillo say the Sox had traded Doug Mirabelli for a relief pitcher. Seriously, I was POSITIVE that’s what he said. So, naturally, I screamed, “What? Jesus fuck, we’re gonna make 35-year-old ‘Tek catch the knuckleball again? DOES NO ONE REMEMBER HOW THAT WORKED OUT LAST TIME?!?” So I fired up the laptop and got the phone ready to call my brother and offer my condolences as he’d no doubt be completely heartbroken and he’d have to do that thing he did the first time we traded Dougie and retire his jersey in a tearful ceremony. But, because I’m insane and imagining things, the internet offered no confirmation of this crazy rumor. Because it didn’t happen. Because I made it up. Because I’m insane.
But that begs the question, if Timmy has what amounts to a lifetime contract, does Dougie have the same thing? Because I really don’t want to go through a series of never-ending passed ball-a-thons again and I don’t relish turning any number of rookies and newbies into sniveling, crying masses (a la Josh Bard) by throwing them behind the plate for a Timmy start. Plus, like 15% of the comedy from this team comes from imagined (or not so imagined) Doug Mirabelli scenarios and you know how we like our cult heroes here. Oh hey, Julian, what’s up?
I would, however, kind of like to know what’s up with the offense. Meaning, you know, where the hell is it? It’s all well and good if the pitcher is only giving up one run but with the lineup we boast, um, we should be scoring more than two runs. I’m just sayin’. But a win is a win is a win so carry on, gentleman.
Oh, and thankfully, Placido Polanco has taken over in All-Star votes for AL second baseman. You SHOULD all be voting for Brian Roberts of the Orioles but I’m not one to tell people what they should do (yes I am). Not that I spend a lot of time power-voting or anything (yes I do), and not that it matters in my heart whether or not ‘Tek has more votes than The Chinless Wonder (it does). But, you know, if you want to, you could vote for people for the All-Star Game. Because, I hear, this time, it counts. (No it doesn’t).
Tonight, Schill, fresh off his one-hitter, takes on the softball team from Colorado. I’m just assuming they’re a softball team based on their penchant for wearing purple and stupid looking vests. Soon, they’ll be wearing ribbons in their hair.