Julio Lugo Hunger Strike Starts Today!

I’m taking a good, long look and drinking it all in. Because the Julio Lugo Is Not Our Shortstop Hunger Strike begins at noon today. After that it’s water and crusts of bread, just enough to sustain life functions, until Tito comes to his senses and stops putting Lugo in the lineup or on the field or anywhere near a baseball diamond or uniform or, you know, anything baseball-related at all. In fact, let’s just remove him from the state, shall we? Pawtucket’s not really good enough. I’d say Lowell but their shortstop is hitting .364 so even that seems a bit generous.

Maybe someone can pull a Scott Proctor and steal Lugo’s uniform and equipment and set it on fire?

And speaking of Proctor, I’m totally starting a Yankee Bullpen Fan Club. Who wants in? I know it’s possibly bad karma to harsh on the Yankee’s pitching woes when the Sox offense might as well be attempting to connect with limp pool noodles for all the good they’re doing, but SCOTT PROCTOR LIT HIS UNIFORM ON FIRE. ON THE FIELD. AT YANKEE STADIUM. Come on, people. That’s amazing. We can’t forget about this. When the Yankees next come back to Fenway, I want fans wearing plastic firefighter helmets and taunting Proctor by singing “Burning Down the House.” We cannot miss this golden opportunity.

Do you think there’s a scorch mark on the warning track?

And the Sox, a team boasting All-Stars and people generally regarded as talented and good players who are successful at their jobs (except for Julio Lugo), need to get their heads out of their asses and realize that it’s not the All-Star break just yet and that these games actually count as well. Freakin’ Typo is pitching today. This does not instill me with lots of confidence. However, more disturbing is the fact that mostly, the pitching hasn’t been the issue. So I don’t know what their damage is but if the offense would care to perk up for a few days, it would be MUCH appreciated.

Especially since we’re calling up minor leaguers and Dustin Pedroia keeps taking his life in his hands and throwing himself into the fray like a human battering ram and admonishing Papelbon to “TAKE A WALK!” I mean, we’re gonna be down a second baseman if that keeps up. We’re gonna need an extra. So long as no one looks at Lugo.

I will not hesitate to ignore the baseball and get caught up on The Wire DVDs because Dominic West > than the Sox blowing it again. And I will totally rewatch replays of last year’s Home Run Derby where David Wright did many wrong things to a horrific mustard yellow jersey and David Ortiz owned all. These are not empty threats, people. I came to play.

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