It’s true, Mike Lowell is an All-Star. And he didn’t want to make a big thing of it, but he wanted you to know. Because Mike Lowell does not make a big thing of anything. (Except that time that he said he wanted Fidel Castro dead and the Herald, with all their journalistic integrity blew it up to “Germany surrenders” size headlines and splashed the word “dead” across a picture of Mike Lowell and I nearly got hit by a bus in on my way to work one day). But this wasn’t like that.
Mike Lowell doesn’t want to take any focus away from Daisuke Matsuzaka’s gem of a pitching performance the other night. He doesn’t want to pull attention away from the fact that Julio Lugo has finally started hitting (although Mike Lowell is nicer than me so he won’t point out that one of Lugo’s hits should have been negated because he immediately got himself picked off but I will). And Mike Lowell is just glad to be providing some run support for the much maligned Tim Wakefield. But, you know, Mike Lowell is an All-Star and he’d like you to know that if you’re not too busy on Tuesday night, he’s going to be playing in this baseball contest in San Francisco with some other baseball playing fellows. And you could check it out if you wanted. I mean, Mike Lowell will totally understand if it’s your bridge night or you have to hand wash your delicates. But if you need someone to entertain you, Mike Lowell’s your man.
Remember how the Sox took Lowell as a concession in the Beckett trade and we figured that to get our stud pitcher we’d have to take a below-average, not hitting for shit, expensive as all hell third basemen? Remember how we all planned on a full season of “Mueller would’ve had it?” Remember how we eyed him skeptically when he hit his first few doubles off the Monster and waited around for him to come back to earth? Yeah, I’d like to issue a formal apology to Mike Lowell. I’m so sorry. I was wrong. I almost never admit that but this time, it’s true. I was so very, very wrong. In addition to being an excellent baseball player, a lover of cribbage, an apparent hater of Fidel Castro and sporting snarkypants the likes of which I’ve never seen, you’re also (I suspect) a super spy and, you know, an All-Star. So well played, Mike Lowell. I’m sorry I ever doubted you.
But you’re a nice man (nicer than me because you don’t even snark on Julio Lugo or theorize that JD Drew needed more time off because it was his time of the month), so I’m confident that you’ll forgive me. Because you, Mike Lowell, are an All-Star.