Here We Hug and Bump Fists

(Photo from

Oh hello, offense. Nice to see you again. Damn. Not fucking around, were you? Announcing your presence with authority and all that. Well done.

My grandmother would think otherwise as she wasn’t nearly so amused when I called her last night to inquire about her team’s pitching staff. Yes, I shit talk my grandmother. She started it.

But I mean, honestly, what did they expect throwing a 12-year-old on the mound? Although, seriously, one can’t really be prepared to be giving up grand slams to Coco Crisp. That doesn’t usually happen.

I did, however, delight in Remy’s assertion that there was an ongoing war between Coco and Mike Lowell regarding who would get to be named Top Dawg for the evening. The fevered debate between Remy and Orsillo was excellent as well. God, I love blowouts. When the Sox are up by more than six runs in the second inning, some enterprising intern or PA starts spiking Remy’s coffee with crack rock. And then we all win.

I’d also like to thank whoever put the new camera in the broadcast booth as it makes Orsillo INCREDIBLY uncomfortable which is just more hilarity for the rest of us. But hey, despite Remy’s frequent fretting about the state of the game and what blowouts lead broadcasters to do, no one got fired. Except maybe the Devil Rays’ director of player scouting or something because DAMN.

Can someone confirm for me that at one point last evening, Don Orsillo uttered the phrase, “exploding chest hair?” I’m not entirely sure what he was talking about but when I heard that, I should have just shut off the TV, turned off the lights, gotten into bed and called it a day. You’re just not going to top that, pretty much ever.

Other things that won’t be topped? The crowd’s response to Okajima’s selection to the All-Star team. He deserves it, for sure, but it’s really nice to see him being recognized like that. I clapped a little in my living room, I’m not gonna lie. Of course, it’s that much better when you read the Globe article about the selection and realize that Tito doesn’t know how to work one of these doggarned computers, Mike Lowell feels he did his teammate-ly duty and Papelbon browbeat his wife into voting for Okajima as well. He got his wish, his man is going to San Fran (it’s closer to Japan).

Also, y’all heard it here first, Covelli Crisp is winning a Gold Glove this year. He’s been playing MAGICAL defense like that Maysesque over-the-shoulder grab he hauled in last night and it’s been saving pitcher’s asses all season. Think about it, doesn’t it feel like every other day we’re all imitating that dude from last year’s NESN commercials? “Did you SEE that catch Coco made?” Unbelievable.

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