Shut Up, Chris Berman


(Photo from Yahoo! Sports)


I think when you hit ’em that far, you’re allowed to admire them. You should also be allowed to admire them without commentary from Chris Berman, John Kruk, Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips. It’s like the Special Olympics of Horrid Announcing. Come on, ESPN. Poor Peter Gammons and Karl Ravech are forced to interview the likes of Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez while these guys are just trying to hit home runs and put on a show but instead, we have to listen to Barry do his spin doctor act about how it’s hard for Hank Aaron to follow him around the country (and also he hates you) and A-Rod talk about…I don’t even know what he was talking about, only to be constantly interrupted by Chris Berman bawking like a retarded chicken. I mean, can he stop? Like now?

That said, Beth made an excellent point with her comment that “A-Rod’s practically the only person on Earth who can stand next to Barry Bonds and still seem like the bigger jerk.” Indeed. Because why the suit, Alex? Did someone tell you this was a formal event? Did, as Amy theorized, your colorist inform you that the orange American League jerseys would make you look ruddy and less than virile? They make everyone look that way, they’re horrible jerseys. Get over yourself. This is an event that features gajillion dollar players lounging on the grass (or in a snappy recliner if you’re Justin Morneau) and letting their children run wild with minimal supervision all while trying to launch baseballs into the stratosphere. This isn’t really a black tie kind of thing. Are you campaigning for something?

However, A-Rod and Bonds-centric bullshit aside, the Home Run Derby was still entertaining in it’s own right. At least for the first two hours. Teddy suspects that after the Jason Bay debacle a couple years ago and Morneau’s contributions this year, Canadian players are henceforth banned from participating in the Home Run Derby but it was still a good time. It was fun to imagine ESPN and MLB wringing their hands and clutching their pearls over a potential showdown between Alex Rios and Matt Holliday because YOU GUYS THOSE AREN’T REAL BASEBALL PLAYERS NO ONE’S EVER HEARD OF THEM! Seriously, I suspect they had a team of marketing interns chained to desks in the production studio, trying to figure out a way to market Alex Rios and Matt Holliday to a nation of apathetic baseball fans.

“Um, well, can we use ‘exciting?’ No, crap, we already used that up for Jose Reyes.”

“Um, how about ‘wholesome?’ Holliday is wholesome, right? He kind of looks like Tim Hudson. Do people still like Tim Hudson?”

“I think we trademarked David Wright’s name with ‘wholesome.’ And ‘spunky’ belongs to David Eckstein.”

“Same with ‘sparkplug?'”

“‘Fraid so.”

“Oh, phew, never mind, it’s Vladdy and Rios in the final. People have heard of Vladdy. Dodged a bullet there.”

I’m sure it helped matters that Papi took it upon himself to act as Vladdy’s own personal caddy. David Ortiz is just too much fun, people. Too much fun.

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