Not In a Listening Mood*


(Photo from Yahoo! Sports)

What is happening up there? Manny decided to show old buddy and former teammate Jim Thome how things work in Boston so he enlisted the help of the Hug Patrol? Or were they trying to squeeze him so hard that he’d just feel so much love for those goofballs that he wouldn’t be able to bring himself to hit a three-run homer? Yeah, interesting plan. Too bad it didn’t work. Luckily, it didn’t end up mattering but things were touch and go there for a while. Especially after the blown call on the JD Drew home run/not a home run. That reminded me of nothing so much as the home run/not a home run call that went against Gabe Kapler a couple years ago. The umps conferred, erroneously ruled it a double and Kapler, Zen thinker that he is, just stood placidly on second, waiting for the game to resume. But Trot Nixon, who had the night off and was receiving treatment in the clubhouse for an injury came tearing ass out of the dugout and started screaming at the umpires resulting in him getting ejected from a game in which he was not even playing. It was, in a word, excellent. And it makes me sad that we never got a NESN original programming show called “Life Coach: Nixon and Kapler” where the two BFFs tackle every day challenges of the Red Sox fan. For instance, let’s say my friend Butch, who is employed as a sheet metal worker, goes on the show because he needs advice about how to deal with a coworker of his, who happens to be a Yankee fan. Kapler’s liable to say, “We must accept people for who they are. Faults and all. This is merely a part of his personality and personalities are what make us unique. The world would be boring it we were all the same.” While Trotter would likely reply, “Y’all got some nail guns around that construction site? Blowtorches maybe? That’ll set ‘im straight.” Seriously, people, it’d be a TV goldmine.

Anyway, as for the game at hand, I think it’s probably best if I address the actual team, since they’ve been deserving of it for some time now.

Gentlemen, Julio Lugo saved your asses. And I have to wonder how that feels, hmmmmm? But you are lucky, sirs, because I was thisclose to writing you a memo on behalf of the Red Sox about how if any of you so much as think you’re going to the All-Star Game next year when this is how you perform afterwards, you can think again. Because I don’t know about you but I was under the impression that the Boston Red Sox were a good baseball team. Perhaps you’d heard otherwise. Perhaps you think it’s acceptable to lose the occasional series to the Royals. WELL I AM HERE TO TELL YOU OTHERWISE, SIRS. That is not okay. That is never okay. There is a reason the Royals are the butt of most MLB jokes. It is because they are bad. They are bad at baseball. They willingly employ someone named “Gobble.” You are supposed to beat a team like that mercilessly. And you did not. And that is NOT OKAY. And Thursday night’s game was likewise unacceptable. I don’t know if Matsuzaka has been peeing in your Cornflakes or putting itching powder in your five-toe socks or whatever but you REALLY need to start scoring runs for the man. I mean, come the fuck on, people.

/deep breath

Now last night was a good sign. I appreciate that. I enjoy watching AJ Pierzynski bitch because that usually means he’s unhappy and if AJ Pierzynski is unhappy, I get the warm fuzzies. I like the warm fuzzies. They’re delightful.

Not delightful? The news that David Ortiz was removed from the game because of a sore right shoulder after a SERIOUSLY misguided slide into second. You know what Papi looks like when he attempts to slide? He looks like how, when you were younger, and the neighborhood kids set up a Slip ‘n Slide on someone’s lawn, everyone would go and have fun and then the neighborhood fat kid would be the last one down and there wouldn’t be any water left and he’d do a belly flop and then kind of stick there at the end. He’s kind of like that kid. Now, I’m not calling David Ortiz fat, far from it. I’m just suggesting that perhaps the man could work on his sliding technique. Jim Rice on Extra Innings made reference to the fact that “God gave you that big ol’ butt, you gotta use that for sliding. You gotta get down there on your rear.” And when a man in a pimp suit is telling you to “use your rear” I’m thinking you don’t argue.

However, apparently we’re getting game breaking hits from the likes of Julio Lugo now so who knows what to think? Up is down! Left is right! Yankees is love! Madness. Oh, and a friendly noogie to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Thanks, guys, that was helpful.

Um, and, um, Tiki Barber was taking batting practice in a Red Sox uniform. Um, YES, PLEASE. Rowr. First person to email me pictures of that gets my undying love and devotion because, yum.

*Per Tito, whom I love unconditionally.

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