No. NO. Bad. We are not doing this. We are not blowing a 14 game lead in the division. It is not happening.
Do you hear me, Red Sox players? Do you hear what I’m saying to you? We are NOT letting the Yankees take first place in the division. We are NOT doing what we did last year when the wheels fell off, everyone got hurt and the team got cancer. We are NOT.
And Eric Gagne? IS NOT ALLOWED TO PITCH. Not if he doesn’t stop it. RIGHT NOW. Because Kason Gabbard could have blown two saves to the Orioles, I am fairly certain. Hell, I could have done that and I would only have cost the team like $14.79 and a sushi dinner with Mike Lowell. If Mr. Gagne doesn’t stop with the sucking, I will learn French specifically so I can shit talk him. Don’t test me, Goggles. I am not kidding.
And this is the thanks I get from Nick Markakis for adopting him and cheering for him and traveling to freakin’ Baltimore to cheer on the Orioles against the Yankees a couple weeks ago? Perhaps that brain of his with the internal Pong monologue did not understand the rules. For his benefit, I will restate. They are as follows: Nick Markakis is allowed to perform up to MVP levels SO LONG AS HE IS NOT PLAYING THE RED SOX. Perhaps I was not clear. Let me be clear. 143 games of the season? Fine. Go nuts. Home runs and RBIs and game winning hits, etc. The other 19 games against the Sox? FUTILITY AND SUCKAGE. Really, I cannot be more direct about this.
To make up for it, I’m going to need the Orioles to beat the Yankees this coming series and give back the two games they took from us. Because in what freakin’ universe is this kind of sick joke acceptable? On what planet? Because if we’re still living on Planet Yankee, I’m gonna have to request a transfer.
I don’t know why I ever let myself entertain the delightful pipe dream that perhaps the Yankees would just go away and it wouldn’t come down to next weekend’s series against New York. I don’t know why I ever considered that might be a possibility. I am not new at this. I know how these things work. That’s what you get for dreaming.
But this cannot happen. My heart can’t take this. I really don’t think I’m prepared. There is not enough booze in the world. Or certainly not in my liquor cabinet. I’m going to need reinforcements. One would think that I would have learned by now. “Don’t touch the stove.” “Ow.” “Don’t touch it, it’s hot.” “Ow.” “Okay, fine, you’ll learn.” “Ow.” “Idiot.”
Don’t they say the definition of insanity is repeating the same action over and over again and expecting a different result? Yeah. Guilty, Your Honor.
I mean…I guess…on the plus side…football season is starting soon? And speaking of, have y’all seen the new mascot the Steelers unveiled? Per Greta, “It looks like Bill Cowher had sex with a gay banana. And then that happened.” Steely McBeam? This is totally a character from that Simpsons episode where the steel mill turns into a gay disco that the producers dismissed as “too obvious” isn’t it? Wow. And I thought Ben Roethlisberger was am embarrassing enough mascot. Fire away.