Hulk Smash

Blogger decided to be a big, giant whore this morning and delete my entry while I was in the process of posting it.

And I can’t possibly summon forth the energy to come up with that level of brilliance again (I flatter myself), so I’ll break it down for you: Devil Rays=bad. Angels=good. That about sums it up. So instead, I will give you the products of my insanity. See, last week, I rewrote the Shaft theme song about Erik Bedard. Yesterday, Orioles fan Chris and I reimagined Jay-Z’s “99 Problems.” Apologies to Luna who was the first to declare that “Josh Beckett has 99 problems but a pitch ain’t one,” but we, as they say, took it to another level. Behold the madness. And dudes, Erik Bedard should totally be winning the Cy Young this year. For reals.

If you’re havin’ mound problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a pitch ain’t one
The year’s Aught-seven and my talent is raw
All my victims in the rear-view just be standin’ in awe
I only got two pitches, boy, heat or the round
Look for cheese and then the hook’ll screw you into the ground
Now I ain’t tryin’ to see no Cy Young chase with Beckett
If you put me on the Red Sox, you know I’d be respected
So I’m…sittin’ fools down like they ankles are sore
Ump said “Son do you know what I’m stoppin’ you for?”‘

Cause I’m young and Canadian and fast as a doe?
Do I look like a mind reader sir, I don’t know
Am I ejected from the game or should I guess some mo’?
“Well you was throwing ninety-five in a ninety-fo’ “
“Rosin and the baseball and step away from the mound”
“Are you carryin’ sandpaper, like a lot of you clowns?”
I ain’t steppin off of shit, man, my pitches legit
“Well, do you mind if I look round the mound a little bit?”
Well I just got finished with a CG win
Twenty-one Ks and a big-assed grin
Now you gossipin’ reporters wanna ask me some shit
Like what’s my favorite bar, what kind of honeys I get
I’m just tryin’a get a shower and get on back to my flat

I know my rights, ain’t talkin’a no reporter about that
“Aren’t you sharp as a tack, some type of player or something’?”
“Or are you some kind of simple-assed country bumpkin?”
Nah, I ain’t pass the bar but i know a little bit
Enough that I don’t legally have to tell you shit.
What type of gear do I wear, what flavor Pop Tart I like?
What I think of Lindsay Lohan, and how chrome is my bike?

And it ain’t ya damn business what I do for fun
I got 99 problems but a pitch ain’t one
Can’t hit me

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