(Photo from Boston.com)
Tito, what did I say about Eric Gagne? WHAT DID WE ALL SAY? Eric Gagne is not allowed to pitch in baseball games for the Boston Red Sox unless they are winning or losing by a number divisible by twelve. AND THAT’S IT. Nice job getting him that haircut and all, thinking that we’d forget all about him and wonder who the new, shorn pitcher in the bullpen is. But here’s the thing, WE’RE NOT STUPID. We remember Gagne. And last night, we were all rudely reminded of why he’s not allowed to pitch in close ballgames. EVER.
Look, forgive me, Tito. I really do like you. I mean, you’re the Tito. You’re the man. You take this job and you accept everything that comes with it with a sense of self-deprecation and “you people are freaks but I love you anyway” personality and you even have to explain to Manny occasionally that you can’t send him down to work on his hitting because, well, right now, there is no down and according to Tedy Bruschi’s book, you wrote him nice letters and emails when he was recovering from his stroke and told him how much you cared about him and frankly, anyone who is nice to Tedy Bruschi is alright by me, but dude, Gagne? NO.
It’s not too late to fuck this all up, gentleman. It’s not to late to turn this three game hiccup into a shame spiral which people will reference for years to come. And it seems like we just got over one of those situations so I don’t know about you but I’m none too anxious to start that bullshit again.
The thing is, we’re going to have to win more than just Josh Beckett’s starts. I realize that he’s probably either taken or Photoshopped pictures of every member of the Sox lineup in compromising positions with Northeastern undergrads, (I maintain Dougie’s “injury” is due to an overzealous round of beer pong with Gamma Phi Epsilon), and that’s why they’re all scoring runs for him. But the rest of the pitchers? Need runs too. Runs for everyone, please.
I don’t want to have to beg you, but I will. I’m not above it. Now, I’m venturing out this Sunday to watch the Patriots game in public. This is something I don’t normally do because of my tendency for rage blackouts and bars don’t generally like it when you threaten people with broken off beer bottles if they dare argue with you about the legitimacy of a pass interference call. So it’d be awesome if, instead of adding to my already high stress levels, the Sox could, you know, win some games and finish this thing up. Please? ‘preciate it.