Absentee Fan

(Photo from Boston.com)

I cannot go to the parade today. This is one of those times where being an adult really sucks. And though I have friends who’ve promised to pass on my love to Jacoby, to snag me some of that championship parade confetti so that I may keep it as a good luck charm in my wallet (same as ’04 confetti and confetti from all three Pats’ parades), and to take pictures of the boys for me, it’s not quite the same.

So, obviously, I won’t be able to write about the parade for you. But what I can do is share with you a conversation Amy and I had over email this morning:

Amy: Go to the Globe site. Go directly to the Globe site. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. The flight home photo gallery. NOW.
Me: /gives self carpal tunnel hitting “right click, save as.”

From the accompanying Globe article: //The Sox had partied hard after winning their eighth straight World Series game Sunday night – Jason Varitek carried David Ortiz on his shoulders – but their flight home was more of a family affair.//

Amy: I want pictures of Papi on Tek shoulders.

Me: Jason Varitek has to be a superhero. There is no other explanation.

Amy: No wonder he looked so tired and cranky getting off the plane. Moving must be difficult.

Me: I mean, he is a strong man. But David Ortiz is like 483 pounds of muscle and awesomeness.

Amy: And godlike superpowers. I will never get over Jacoby having his shirt signed by the players. You know he did it all shy, like he was asking them to sign his annual (because he calls yearbooks annuals) and afraid they would say no.

Me: I know and probably like Papi embarrassed him or something when he took the jersey and he announced to the plane, “Hey, our Speed Racer wants us all to sign his jersey! So fucking sign it for the man!”

Amy: And Pedroia shook his head all like “rookies, man.”

Me: Do you think Pedroia calls Jacoby “Rook?”

Amy: I think he calls him “Noob.”

Me: And then he looks at Youkilis all, “Am I right?” and Youks is just like “get back in the wheelbarrow.”

Amy: And Mike Lowell is all, “Oh here, we baked you a cobbler last night.”

Me: And then Youks says “But you’re gonna have to eat it while stuffed in the overhead compartment.”

Amy: I feel like Pedroia is his tag team in this. Like sometimes he uses Pedroia for backup and sometimes he puts him small spaces. Like a little brother.

Me: I mean, sometimes it’s necessary to have a small accomplice because it’s hard for bigger people to hide in the whirlpool and scare Varitek.

Amy: The lecture that ensues after that….epic.

Me: And Youks is all standing behind Pedroia and trying not to laugh while Mike Lowell yells at them. And Jacoby is kind of sitting wide-eyed in the corner.

Amy: And then he tells Jason Varitek he would never scare him on purpose or accident.

Me: And Bucky (Buchholz) is all behind him nodding solemnly. Pretty sure Jacoby calls Tek “Mr. Varitek” too.

Amy: Oh yeah. All of them. “Mr. Francona, sir, may I please sit next to you?”

Me: “For chrissakes, kid, you gotta tone it down a little. You’re making me uncomfortable.”

Amy: This is going on the internet, isn’t it?

Me: I can’t go to the parade. What do you expect?

I keep remembering bits and pieces of conversations we all had Sunday night. At one point, I remember us all taking bets on whether or not Mike Timlin would come into the game and, if he did, if he would have an animatronic deer slung over his shoulder from Colorado’s Bullpens O’ Wilderness.

Greta: Mike Timlin is digging that bullpen setup.

Me: I worry, though. I worry that instead of warming up, he’s hiding behind a blue spruce tree in a camo blind and lying in wait with his crossbow for an unsuspecting squirrel to happen by.

Amy: A legitimate concern.

And then I’m pretty sure I tried bargaining with Timlin and told him that if he got out of the inning (he did), that he could retire immediately and spend the rest of his days hunting Matt Clement.

I’m just saying, I’d be kind of concerned if I were Matt Clement.

So those of you who are attending the parade today, have a fantastic time. Pass along my love to the boys and take lots of pictures. If you wanted to share them with me, well my email is on the side there and I wouldn’t be upset.

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