(Photo from Fox Sports)
So this weekend Amy and I were – say it with me now – out at a bar, and we got to talking and observing and what have you and we noticed that a gentleman seated at the end of the bar, not far from us and certainly within earshot bore a striking resemblance to the Patriots place kicker, Stephen Gostkowski (aka Refrigerator Head, aka New Kicker). Setting aside for a moment the fact that we probably watch entirely too much football if we know what the Patriots place kicker looks like in street clothes, we began a spirited discussion of what Gostkowski’s life must be like. Particularly when he started doing the white man head bob to the Michael Jackson songs someone was playing on the jukebox.
“Poor New Kicker,” I said, “He so very much wants to be one of the cool kids.”
Amy put on her New Kicker voice (which is a lot like her Brian Roberts’ “my dad is so mean” voice), “Coach Belichick never lets me choose the locker room music. It’s always Tom or Randy or something. I never get to do it.”
I joined in, “How come we always have to listen to Jay-Z and raps? Or Bon Jovi? Coach makes us listen to so much Bon Jovi. I swear, if I hear ‘Livin’ on a Prayer’ one more time, I’m gonna…well, I’m gonna get real mad, I’ll tell you what. Maybe I’ll even kick something. Something that I’m not supposed to kick.”
“It’s not fair,” Amy added, “I have more points than Donte’ and Wes but they got to choose the music last week. I hate it!”
“This week,” I said, “I’m gonna kick a seventy yard field goal. That’s what I’m gonna do. THEN Coach’ll let me choose the locker room music. We ‘gonna be startin’ somethin’ I’ll tell you that much.”
“See what I did there?”
“I’m funny. The guys are missing out. I’m a regular comedian.”
“Mike Vrabel thinks he’s so funny. And Matt Light with his jokes and his ‘I’m a big, offensive lineman. I keep Tom Brady safe.’ Whatever, Matthew. Are you leading the league in points after? I DON’T THINK SO.”
“And just ’cause Mike can catch touchdown passes even though he’s a linebacker he thinks he’s so special. Nuh uh. I could catch touchdown passes. I know it. I’m gonna ask Coach to put me in for a goal line situation and I’m totally gonna catch a touchdown pass. It’s gonna be awesome. THEN I’LL GET TO CHOOSE THE MUSIC. MJ for everyone!”
/white guy head bob
His companion, who looked like Carson Palmer’s downside, appeared to be taking it all in stride. Perhaps because he knew how his Sunday night game was going to end up. But, I mean, what else are you gonna do when a kicker gets liquored up and shoots his mouth off?
Possibly this is why I never get hit on in bars. I’m too busy creating imaginary scenarios with other patrons playing the part of fairly anonymous Patriots players. Yeah.
Also, Theo, didn’t we talk about this? STOP IT RIGHT NOW.