The thing about the time between the conference championship games and the Super Bowl is that it’s really, really, REALLY long. Which, you know, can be good so Tom Brady can staple his foot back on and we can all take a nice, long, buffalo sauce-inspired nap. But it’s not so good for our mental states. Because we start making things up (which is no different from the actual media if you think about it). And then we start talking madness. And by the end of it all, we’re just really wanting the Super Bowl to start, like now. Of course, we are looking forward to Media Day if for no other reason than watching Laurence Maroney attempt to answer questions from Japanese school children sent to Arizona on a special assignment about American football promises to be the highest of high comedy. But for the time being, we’re making crap up and hoping someone remembered to pack Stephen Gostkowski’s footie pajamas.
Amy: I’ve been thinking, and there is no way that Philip Rivers doesn’t call himself P–Riv.
Me: Of course he does.
Amy: This is the thing. When the Young Quarterbacks Professional Society meets for their bi-monthly mixers, and Joey Harrington is standing next to the punch with a crippling case of social phobia and Tom Brady is working the room and making everyone feel inadequate and Peyton Manning is only talking to Archie-approved people and Rex Grossman is really glad he just got invited, you know that P–Riv went up to The Chad to strike up on a conversation. And you know that The Chad left that conversation, shaking his head and thinking “Wow, that guy is a douche.”
And there is an issue when even The Chad thinks you’re a douche.
Me: To be fair, the first thing P–Riv probably said was, “Nice fucking haircut, wuss.”
Amy: Then he said, “Teach me to rock a t-neck like you.” And The Chad went on for like five minutes before he realized he was being made fun of.
Me: Awwww. This is making me feel sort of bad for Chad Pennington. It feels dirty.
Amy: That’s not right at all.
Me: But that’s the thing about Chad Pennington. He can only be an alpha-quarterback around the likes of Joey Harrington or like JP Losman and what not. Although I feel like at this year’s mixer, people kind of respected Joey Harrington and gave him like nods of solidarity or something because he stepped into that shitstorm in Atlanta and somehow managed not to get himself killed.
Amy: Too bad he fell down when Vince Young fist bumped him.
Me: Honestly, he was scared. He’s never allowed in on the celebrations. He thought he was being sacked. His survival instinct took over and he fumbled the ball, dropped to the floor, and curled into a the fetal position.
Amy: Still, he’s more likely to be invited back than P–Riv, who made armpit farts during Brett Favre’s keynote address.
Me: Oh, absolutely. And Tony Romo who kept loudly asking Tom Brady if his girlfriend’s dad was always following them on vacation. And Brady was trying to be respectful and listen quietly because of how much he loves and respects the Favre.
Amy: And Rex Grossman, who broke down crying during the Q & A portion.
Me: No one was sure if it was because of the questions about a cover-2 defense or because Kyle Boller kept giving him Indian burns under the table.
Amy: He hopes no one heard, but those with a keen ear could hear Brett Favre murmur, “Kyle Boller? Really?”
Me: And Steve McNair was in the back of the room, icing his sternum and was all, “Seriously.”
Amy: …Never let it be said we can’t take a concept and run with it.
Me: Well, two weeks is a very long time.