Bill Belichick’s What Not To Wear

Sometimes Amy and I write for Insite Magazine. Sometimes we are driven mad by the insanity of Super Bowl Week (or two weeks) and we come up with something like the following which can be found in this month’s Insite. Which you should read. Because, well, because Billiam would probably want you to. Anyway, without further ado:

Bill Belichick’s What Not To Wear

Patriots’ coach Bill Belichick is known for many things. Genius football strategy, open contempt for the media, and the world’s most boring press conferences. And then there’s The Hoodie. The Hoodie has become the most recognizable garment in sports. As such, The Hoodie is a constant point of contention and amusement for fans and media alike. Belichick’s players make fun of it (probably not to his face but would you harass Belichick to his face?), and the media never tires of ragging on Coach Hoodie. So we got to thinking: what would happen if some of the Patriots’ more snappily dressed players nominated Belichick for TLC’s “What Not to Wear?” Aside from the wind sprints they’d likely be forced to run in practice for many long weeks, it would be an excellent time for the viewing audience. Herewith, a transcript:

Stacey London: Now this is a first here on What Not to Wear.

Clinton Kelley: It’s true. We’ve had multiple nominees before and people who’ve been nominated by more than one person.

Stacey: But we’ve never had 53 people all nominate the same person at once! We chose to listen.

Clinton: Well, they’re very large men.

Stacey: The New England Patriots sent us a videotape of their coach, Bill Belichick.

Offensive Tackle Matt Light: The man needs help, clearly. Every day it’s gray hoodie this, windsuit pants that. Come on, man, you’re possibly the best coach ever. Shouldn’t you dress with a little snap?

Stacey: So we secretly filmed Bill Belichick for two weeks and asked him about his personal style.

Bill Belichick: Does anyone have any questions about the Dolphins? Anyone want to talk football? I think I already answered that question. (rolls eyes) My personal style is facing the Dolphins.

Clinton: A tough customer indeed. But What Not to Wear is here to give Bill Belichick a winning look to go with his shiny trophies!

Linebacker Mike Vrabel (holding up one of Belichick’s moth-eaten hoodies): This is the hoodie that the Associated Press Coach of the Year wears on TV. Regularly.

Matt Light: You might think he has a lot of them. But no, there’s just one.

Vrabel: It kind of smells.

Light: Smells like a Denny’s.

Vrabel: Please, What Not to Wear, get Bill some help!

Stacey: So we forced Bill to face his wardrobe in our 360 degree mirror!

Belichick: This sweatshirt covers my skin. It keeps the rain out mostly. I don’t see what the problem is.

Clinton: You don’t see that you look like a homeless man rummaging through barrels of cans and coffee grinds? You don’t see how that could be a problem for a coach of your caliber?

Belichick: No.

Stacey (sarcastically): In that case, why don’t you just wear a bathrobe and fuzzy slippers on the sidelines?

Belichick (deadpan): We need to have a team logo visible. There are rules.

Clinton: And what about this headwarmer you’ve got going on here? What’s this about?

Belichick: It gets cold on the field. This keeps my head warm. Don’t know how much time you spend outside in 30-degree weather. Kind of need this though.

Stacey: But you look like a 13-year-old girl on the bunny slope!

Belichick: /stares

Clinton: What about a kicky fedora! A stylish porkpie hat?

Stacey: Think how nice that would look with a sharp pin-striped suit!

Belichick: Look, do you have any questions about football?

Clinton: Here’s what some of your players had to say about you.

Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady: Coach’s style is, um, it’s, singular? I don’t think he spends a lot of time worrying about his clothes. Actually, I’m not sure he ever changes. I think he sleeps in the hoodie and windpants. Easier that way. More efficient. More time to break down film.

Stacey: Now your quarterback was voted as Esquire magazine’s Best Dressed Man IN THE WORLD! Don’t you think he’s qualified to give fashion advice?

Belichick: Someone get Matt Cassel on the phone and tell him to start doing reps.

Cornerback Ellis Hobbs: When we travel, we gotta look fly. There’s cameras everywhere. You gotta be fly for the camera. But when I tell Coach Belichick, ‘Hey if we gotta look fly, shouldn’t you gotta look fly too?’ he just tells me I gotta run laps. The laps are pretty fly.

Belichick: Maybe if he spent less time worrying about looking ‘fly,’ we’d all spend less time watching him get burned for touchdowns.

Kicker Stephen Gostkowski: I think (voice cracks) that Coach Belichick looks just fine. For his job. And that there isn’t. Any problem.

Belichick: Who’s that guy?

Defensive Lineman Richard Seymour: One time Coach let me dress him for a press conference. He wore a pink shirt and a shiny pink tie. Know what happened? We won the Super Bowl. Just sayin’.

Belichick: We won the Super Bowl because I don’t spend time worrying about things like “style” and “fashion” and “people liking me” and “being nice” and nonsense like that. Maybe if my players did the same, we’d win every game by a score of 67-3. This is ridiculous.

Stacey: You know, we’ve met people who refused to cut their hair. Who thought that their perms were fantastic. Who had sweaters with giant puppies or appliquéd palm trees on them and refused to give them up. But we’ve never met someone who had a bodyguard for his hoodie.

Clinton: We can’t help those who won’t help themselves.

Belichichick: Seriously, does anyone have any questions about the Dolphins? Anything about football? No? Then we’re done here.

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