(Photo from Yahoo! Sports)
Let me get this straight. There’s a robotic camera on the Red Sox bench AT ALL TIMES? And we didn’t know this? It’s apparently operated by some unseen and mysterious cameraperson who can move the focus all around – the better to capture Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz pelting it with sunflower seeds as during last night’s game – but IT’S ALWAYS THERE? You mean to tell me that all this time we’ve been lamenting the fact that we don’t have a dugout feed constantly running in a picture-in-picture box in the top corner of our screen solely for our enjoyment if the game gets out of hand, WE COULD HAVE? This could actually happen and, in fact, is happening? WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME?
Imagine all the Manny-administered noogies and headpats we’ve missed? Imagine all the shots of Josh Beckett being surly and taking out his frustrations on the water cooler. Imagine all the times Pedroia sat down next to Tito and starting giving him shit only to have Tito dump a cup of Gatorade on Dustin’s head and walk away? Not to mention all the Youkilis/Pedroia Strong Man competitions that have surely gone down with each trying to outdo the other in all manner of competition from footraces up and down the length of the bench to launching Buchholz missile-like towards an Alex Cora proffered target. IMAGINE ALL THE FOOTAGE THAT EXISTS FROM INSIDE THE SOX DUGOUT. We must get our hands on this. Now that we know that such a camera exists, we must do everything in our power to make sure that it’s used for at least 35% of any given game. This shit is GOLD, people. We need it.
‘Course, constant Sox dugout updates would likely cause Remy and Orsillo to be fired, oh, tomorrow. Did you hear those jokers last night? With Orsillo taking up the cause of Mrs. Remy re: the RemDawg’s use of a computer in the dining room and the ensuing old, married couple bickering? Not to mention their discussions of hand and “other body parts” models which lead Orsillo to remark that he’s seen Remy by the pool and he has “great feet.” Remy was in the – frankly foreign – position of being the straight man as Orsillo just kept throwing out more and more ridiculous bon mots. So to whichever intern spiked Don’s coffee, nice work. Keep it up. All this started when the game was still in question too. 4-1 is not insurmountable and usually the Broadcast Bozos don’t get their insanity on until the Sox are either leading or trailing by about eight. So this was something to hear.
Guess a David Ortiz grand slam will bring about the giddy.
Oh, right, the actual game. See? Didn’t we tell y’all that Papi was gonna be fine? You can’t keep a man like that down forever, that’s for sure. Maybe it’s a good thing they dug up that damn jersey after all.
But I’ll tell you what I’m really excited about and that is Jed Lowrie and Jacoby Ellsbury. After Lowrie laced a hit, Remy – in a rare moment of lucidity last night – remarked “He’s done nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing.” And he’s right. Which is remarkable because Jed Lowrie with his goofy ears and his giant, lopsided smile looks for all the world like an eleven-year-old who cannot wait to tell his dad that he met Manny Ramirez. Let alone is playing on the same field with him. “Dad! Guess what? I called Manny off a fly ball today! Yeah, that’s okay, he told me not to call him ‘Mr. Ramirez.’ But I called him off. And he let me! How cool is that?” Awwww, little Jedders. I see big things for that boy in the future. Julio who?
And Jacoby is just…he’s Jacoby. He’s like Flash Gordon out there. Though I’ve think we’ve decided for the purposes of awesomeness to refer to him as “Maverick” because of his “need for speed” and the fact that in an interview he admitted that “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” is his go-to karaoke song. So Maverick it is.
Ken Macha (of all people) made an interesting, Ambien-drenched point during the post game last night when he mentioned that although Jacoby’s average isn’t terribly impressive (though haven’t we learned that batting average is a stupid stat? Billy Bean and baseball-hating computers taught me that), it’s incredibly important to have a guy at the top of your lineup who can get on base and make things happen with his feet. Apparently, during the course of a season, a baseball team will be involved in about fifty one-run games (give or take) and if you’ve got a guy who can wreak havoc on the basepaths and perhaps score from second on a wild pitch (for instance), you’re going to win more of those games than you lose. Interesting point. I had not considered the actual baseball game-winning implications of Jacoby’s speed other than “OMG SO FAST LOOKIT!” Sometimes it’s nice when your blind love is backed up by logic.
So we take game one of the series and look to tonight where Lil’ Jonny Lester looks to get things back on track. I’ve decided he can do it because he’s facing Jason Jennings which made me think of Jason Johnson which made me curl up into the fetal position and rock back and forth for half an hour. So based on that incredibly scientific reaction, I think Lester’s got this one.
Also? GO BRUINS!