A Day Late and a Designated Hitter Short

Obviously, when I said I’d be back Monday, I totally meant Tuesday. Y’all should have known that. We made it back from Pittsburgh in one piece – though technically we had an emergency landing due to some issues with landing gear power. For reals, there were emergency vehicles meeting us on the runway and ushering us into the gate. Turned out to be nothing but you can bet that Greta and I will be embellishing the story in the days to come. Tales of untold bravery and selflessness in saving feeble old ladies and puppy dogs from a fiery explosion, etc, etc. Or a gremlin on the wing and John Lithgow freaking everyone out. One or the other.

Anyway, to take all our minds off the fact that the DL is apparently where all the cool kids are hanging out these days, I give you the contest submissions for the Essential Games at Fenway box set. No names because I’m all about fairness here, but I’ve assigned them all numbers. So here’s what you do: Pick your top three choices and rank them. Then email them to snowtackle (at) gmail (dot) com in your preferred order. I’ll tally them up and post the winner who will then get said fabulous box set. So without further ado, the best entries:

#1:
Thank god for Dougie,
Now I mean Young Kevin
Wakey isn’t mine to catch
If only Schill had listened
Thank god for kids
Now turned to Men
4 No no no’s
Damn Schill all to hell

#2:
So much depends
upon

a rookie pitcher
who

for some reason

won’t throw the fucking pitch I called

#3
Calling the pitches
For all you bitches who want
to be boys to men.

Dougie, Dougie, where,
have you settled your humor
And slick dressing skills?

I am the best at
What I do catching pitchers
In major league games.

#4

Denial
In a moment, Dougie will be back.
I keep his soft mitt,
close to my soft heart.
The roar of his escort grows louder.
Too long already,
we have been apart.
Bargaining
If only Doug could return,
For just one three-base dash,
I’d gift him my catcher’s camo,
Just have to outbid Cash.
Acceptance
We will be fine without Mirabelli.
More dollars spent on batting gloves,
but not nearly as many at the Deli.
Kevin’s crappy OPS comes cheaper.
Mirabelli had his moments,
but not nearly as many as the Duchscherer.
Epilogue
Douglas.
Gone, not forgotten.
Still plays more than Nancy.

#5:
DiceK ( san )

Please
just once-
–throw
a
first
pitch
strike!

weeeeeeeeeee

#6:
Jason Varitek’s Sestina No. 45

My favorite pitcher? Gotta say Pedro.
In his prime, seven, eight years back, before Schill
Came to Boston, before–wow, had Beckett
Even reached the majors yet? I know Lester
Was a long way off, him and Papelbon
Both way too young, which of course puts Buchholz

Down in, like, kindergarten. In fact, Buchholz,
You know, we only got to draft him ’cause Pedro
Left town. But that year his ERA was lower than Pap’s–
Now, for a starter, that’s a miracle. Like Schill
Going seven on a bleeding ankle, like Lester
Coming back strong and then stronger, like Beckett

Unhittable in October. Course, we might not’ve signed Beckett,
And I wouldn’t have caught a no-hitter by Buchholz,
And I wouldn’t have caught a no-hitter by Lester,
If it had never been for years of Pedro.
He made us all into contenders. So Schill,
In turn, could pick up the slack. Now, y’see, Pap’s

Thrown fire for me since day one, but Pap
Had seen us win it all before, and Beckett
Came here already with a ring, like Schill.
They’re here because we had the chance we had. No Buchholz
Without Pedro, I’m saying. Without the *promise* of Pedro.
It’s not just the extra draft pick. Like, Lester–

We’d already drafted him, I guess. Gosh, Lester’s
A great story, great kid, great pitcher. Papelbon?
Well, when he isn’t dancing, he’s a horse. Pedro’s
Tremendous, but if someone could come close, it’s Beckett
Someday. And I’m blessed to catch those guys, with Buchholz
in the wings, and we haven’t heard the last from Schill.

These days, I hear a lot about how Schill
Shook me off when he shouldn’t, and how Lester’s
No-no set a record, like I held his hand and Buchholz’s,
Like I’m more than just a lucky man. Papelbon
Won’t quit calling me “captain.” And Beckett
Claimed he’d cut his MVP plaque in two. He should send half to Pedro.

One pitcher taught me most of what I know.
(Not forgetting D-Lowe, not forgetting Foulke or Nomo.)
I never had favorites–but I had Pedro.

#7:
Dougie, of the Parm
Noodle bat and big-ass mitt
No more be they here

#8:
I have seen the best hitters of my generation
whiffing wildly, hysterical madmen
unable to connect
waving feebly at demonic pitches thrown by a dominican maniac!
Pedro! Pedro! Pedro! I’ve seen you in Moloch!
Pedro! Your grandmother is sick again!
Pedro! You killed the Yankees! Pedro! They ain’t your DADDY NO MORE!

#9:
This is just to say

I have kicked

your husbands’ ass,

Mrs Rodriguez

Which ass

you probably

had plans for

Forgive me

but your

husband really is a pussy.

So that’s it, people. Email me your choices. As you can see, my readers might be even more insane than I am. Love it. I’ll close down voting in 48 hours. So that gives you until 9am on Thursday.

Also, unrelated but congratulations to Kate & Seb. Those kids even made Pittsburgh enjoyable. I will totally go to all their weddings.

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