(Photo from Yahoo! Sports)
In which Amy and I chat live and talk complete nonsense during the Home Run Derby.
Me: hellooooooo, grady sizemore.
Me: srsly. evan longoria is bullshit.
Amy: ROOKIES DO NOT GET TO START ALL STAR GAMES
Me: lance berkman’s head is so big. so big.
Amy: justin morneau still looks like polo ponies to me
Me: hello, friendly canadian.
Me: justin morneau LOVES polo ponies
Amy: LOOKIT HIS LITTLE FACE
Me: ryan braun’s mother is so proud. you can just tell.
Amy: Josh Hamilton is hot. And good. He is my AL pick and Brauntosaurus Rex is my NL pick
Me: did you miss 3 doors down?
Amy: No but their aging scared me.
Me: i did not expect the lead singer to look like that. it was disconcerting.
Me: probably tek was very excited about 3 doors down. probably he will change his at bat music back in honor.
Amy: oh i hope
Me: ok, who’s your pick?
Amy: I DON’T KNOW
Me: the prize is years and years or respect and adoration.
HEY DID YOU KNOW IT’S THE LAST YEAR OF YANKEE STADIUM?
it is the last year???
HOW ARE THEY GOING TO DEAL WITH THIS?
Me: i am going with morneau, in hopes that he can fix what jason bay did to canada’s baseball reputation last year.
MAYBE THEY WILL BRONZE THE ENTIRE STADIUM.
SO MUCH YANKEEOSITY
Amy: I can’t pick Morneau since you did. so I will go with Berkman. He is old and knows how to pace himself
Me: excellent, the picks are in.
i am not sure i’m going to make it through hours of derek jeter waxing poetic.
Amy: Seriously. do something about your undereye bags, Jetes
Me: you know what would help that? DRIVEN BY AVON. pehrpas he’s heard of it.
Me: also, does chris berman think that when yankees players and red sox players see each other off the field they rumble like in the beat it video?
Me: actaully, that’d be kind of awesome.
Amy: Dustin Pedroia carries a switchblade phone like me
Me: of COURSE he does. also, a switchblade phone is a necessity in breakdance fighting
Amy: small children in helmets. that is all i need.
Me: wow, justin morneau is going to get his ass kicked.
Me: BUCK UP, CANADA.
HAVE SOME PRIDE.
MAPLE LEAF POWER AND ALL THAT.
Me: you know i’m totally singing Oh Canada to him when it’s is turn
Me: fact: joe morgan has never heard of dan uggla before
Amy: Not even a little bit
Me: joe morgan has fallen asleep
Amy: wake him when a red sock or yankee is at bat. he may rouse for the right cub or met. but only if you give him a cookie.
Me: he might just sleep through this whole thing.
hee, that kid fell down. that always makes me laugh. because i’m mean.
Amy: kids falling is funny
Me: UNF GRADY SIZEMORE
Amy: I hope Grady Sizemore has a secret child we do not know about because how cute would that be?
Me: OMG SRSLY
Amy: I feel about David Ortiz the same way I feel about Randy Moss
Me: in what sense?
Amy: We have been without him for so long BUT HE WILL BE BACK and when I see him I realize how much I miss him
Me: oh yes. i feel that way too.
Amy: I think El Montro has been manscaping Papi’s eyebrows
Me: i wonder if david ortiz bought a racing team to pass the time
Me: now let us make fun of evan longoria
Me: those are terrible home run swings, EVAN.
Me: OH MY GOD YANKEE STADIUM IS SHAPED LIKE A BEDPAN. STOP WITH THE POETRY.
Amy: I feel like there are 6 of the same guy in this derby.
OH NO THERE IS NO BATTING CAGE AND NO HELMETS
Me: this version sucks at hitting home runs
Amy: WHAT IS EVAN GOING TO DO WITHOUT A HELMET
Me: are we ignoring the fact that the rays just dropped seven in a row and dropped from first place?
Amy: yes. we are also ignoring how spending 10 years developing number 1 draft picks clearly doesn’t contribute to winning
Me: GOOD PLAN
Me: where is d’angelo ortiz? that is what i want to know.
Amy: Probably getting airplane rides from Wily Mo
Me: OH FUN
Amy: Remember the year Bobby Abreu won and bears came to eat us?
Me: YES. WE LIVED AT THE HOME RUN DERBY.
I have to change my laundry over.
Amy: GO CHANGE YR LAUNDERS
Me: OKAY, COVER FOR ME, AMY.
Hello, people. This is Amy. I am covering. I am wearing a sunbonnet and just ate a burrito. Because what says coverage better than sunbonnets and burritos?
Oh, hello, Young David Wright.
Your hat is kind of funny.
Me: I MISSED DAVID WRIGHT. ?
Me: wait, the hell is he doing there?
Amy: he was ENJOYING FESTIVITIES
Me: i would like to enjoy some festivities with david wright.
Amy: horizontal festivities
Me: yes. all kinds.
Amy: CHRIS BERMAN IS TALKING ABOUT LORE. HE IS USING HIS LORE TONE
Me: this yankee stadium wankery is making me feel like i need another shower.
Amy: Dear Lance, don’t make me ashamed of you, lovens, yr Amy
Me: HIS HEAD IS SO BIG.
Amy: like a beach ball
Me: with a curly mullet adornment
Amy: i think we are going to have reevaulate our picks
Amy: JD Drew made a cute kid, who knew?
Me: dude, jd drew has a really cute kid
Me: well, tek looks properly chagrined to be there.
Me: your pick is smart.
Amy: he is old. he can pace himself. the rest of them are like 11
Me: you know how sometimes when joe morgan is talking it sounds like he forgets he’s still talking halfway through?
Me: sometimes i forget he’s talking too.
Amy: he has a nice cadence
Amy: but the cadence says “do not listen to my words”
Amy: this is like the oscars. It’s going to run over.
Me: they should make them hit in evening gowns.
Me: hey wait, is yankee stadium in new york?
Amy: no i think it is in idaho
Me: gosh, you’d think they’d tell us
Me: OH, CANANDA, MY HOME AND NATIVE LAND
Amy: OUR HOME AND NATIVE LAND
MAPLE LEAFS AND POUTINE
Me: TRUE PATRIOT SONS, ON SOMETHING OUR SOULS COMMAND
Amy: WE STAND FOR YOU, WE STAND
Me: (of something)
WE STAND ON GUARD FORRRRRRRRRR THEEEEEEEEEEEE
Amy: wait a minute…kiwanis club?
wow that is some uncomfortable silence
WHITE GUYS WHITE GUYS
Me: i can’t tell if he’s being racist or not. are the kiwanas racist?
Amy: i don’t know?
Me: WHITE GUYS WHITE GUYS WHITE GUYS
Amy: but i can feel all of them not wanting to talk
Me: well, to be fair, joe’s asleep again
Amy: how long till he has to apologize for the kiwanis club comment
Me: do kiwanas watch tv? also, every time i type “kiwanas” i think “koalas.”
Amy: that is a club i would join
Me: BUCK UP, CANADA
HEY WE HAVE GOOD PICKS.
Amy: FIST BUMP
Me: FIST BUMP
sometimes we’re so smart, it hurts
Amy: i know!
Me: doesn’t justin morneau look like someone who has attended a fest or two in his time and has been cajoled into a volleyball tournament by the rick?
Amy: no, he looks like polo ponies and summering in nantucket
Me: sometimes that is the same thing
Amy: LOOK AT BRAUNY! corrance!
i am so proud
MY BREWERS, WORLD
LET ME SHOW YOU THEM
Me: wait, they’re in yankee stadium?
Amy: no, i think they are in mets field.
josh hamilton got the pimp spot
Me: of course he does. baseball loves a redemption story. that is why sometimes jason giambi wins the comeback player of the year award. WHICH IS BULLSHIT.
Amy: Josh Hamilton makes my heart sing
Me: i like listening to chris berman dance around the term “crackhead.” just say it, chris. they weren’t shy about it at the nfl draft
Amy: CRACK. HE WAS ON CRACK
Me: JUST SAY CRACKHEAD, BERMAN. ERYONE KNOWS WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.
Amy: it’s sort of frightening to think about what he could have done without those lost years
Me: like ted williams. except with crack.
Amy: i am getting a smidge choked up
Me: ian kinsler’s favorite band is my chemical romance. fact.
Amy: fall out boy
Amy: CRACK IS NOT A WORKOUT
HE WAS ON CRACK
WHEN YOU ARE ON CRACK, YOU DO NOT WORK OUT
Me: CRACK PIPES ARE NOT HEAVY. why will no one say “crack?”
fyi, we live here now.
Amy: we do. but i’m so freaking proud
Amy: my brother says he taught Josh everything he knows
Me: you know what i want? a biology lesson from tek in re: josh hamilton.
Me: dude, i know, i could see patcher all over that shit
Me: “even sox fans respect this shrine.” of all the signs you could make, that’s what you went with?
Amy: yankee fans are known for their creativity.
i am glad justin morneau doesn’t warrant commentary
Me: blah, blah, blah new york, blah, blah, blah. PERHAPS YOU’VE HEARD THAT IF YOU CAN MAKE IT THERE, YOU CAN MAKE IT ANYWHERE.
Amy: even the south pole?
Amy: okay so berkman is gone. my pick did not pan out. a braun/hamilton final would be AWESOME.
Me: i was just thinking that is like the all amy is happy final
Amy: it is like pie and hugs
Me: only one october? still?
Amy: they are still going with “only one october”, huh?
Me: YOU ARE IN MY HEAD.
it’s because they spent all their marketing dollars on yankee stadium wankery.
Me: they still won’t say “crack.”
Amy: yeah. it wasn’t a great performance for a former crackhead. it was a great performance.
Amy: josh hamilton looks ever so slightly like bon jovi
Me: yeah, from certain angles, i can see that. i might’ve googled the jovi today to gaze upon the magnificent visage and marvel at how kind the years have been to him.
Amy: LET’S GO BRAUNTOSAURUS
Me: hiiii joe mauer
Me: it’d be an interesting twist to the story if josh hamilton killed a photographer during the home run derby
Amy: heh. am going hamilton
Me: of course you are.
i am proud of cananda
Amy: canada is lucky to have you.
north carolina has me
Me: i think from here on out, in life, i am going to call justin morneau “canada.”
Amy: i can dig that
Me: also, i figure that right now everyone but me, joe mauer and justin morneau’s mom are rooting for josh hamilton. so i’m going canada.
Amy: that is probably true
Me: i like to have logical reasons for rooting.
Amy: i completely understand
Me: somtimes i like to pretend i’m canadian.
i almost am. heh.
Amy: french canadian!
Amy: me too!
Me: so they’re building exactly the same yankee stadium. awesome. great. fantastic.
Amy: O CANADA
PLS HIT A HOME RUN FOR OUR LAND
wow that worked
Amy: I think the best line of the night was Evan Longoria not doing well because not getting to wear a helmet..
JOSH HAMILTON WILL NOT BE A YANKEE IN 3-4 YEARS
shut up announcers
Me: christ, how depressing
Amy: i sang canada for morneau in your absence
Amy: good job winning.
justin morneau is all “yeah i know, you don’t want to talk to me”
Me: everyone is all “wow, that was anticlimatic.”
Amy: i think it is important that justin morneau won. because he’s better than people thinks he is
Me: because people are still pissed that he won the mvp
Me: and by “people” i mean “yankee fans”
Me: CANADA DESERVES SOME RESPECT.
Amy: they are in new york in case you forgot
Me: new york has done very little in the last 24 hours to endear itself to me
Amy: it should make you a pie
Me: i like pie. ok, i need to sleep now. BUT THANKS FOR THE LIVE CHATTING.