Wait, they’re at Yankee Stadium? You’d think they would have mentioned that.

(Photo from Yahoo! Sports)

In which Amy and I chat live and talk complete nonsense during the Home Run Derby.

Me: hellooooooo, grady sizemore.
and amy.

Amy: Unf.

Me: srsly. evan longoria is bullshit.

Amy: ROOKIES DO NOT GET TO START ALL STAR GAMES

Me: lance berkman’s head is so big. so big.

Amy: justin morneau still looks like polo ponies to me

Me: hello, friendly canadian.

Amy: BRAUNTOSAURUS

Me: justin morneau LOVES polo ponies

Amy: LOOKIT HIS LITTLE FACE

Me: ryan braun’s mother is so proud. you can just tell.

Amy: Josh Hamilton is hot. And good. He is my AL pick and Brauntosaurus Rex is my NL pick

Me: did you miss 3 doors down?

Amy: No but their aging scared me.

Me: i did not expect the lead singer to look like that. it was disconcerting.

Me: probably tek was very excited about 3 doors down. probably he will change his at bat music back in honor.

Amy: oh i hope

Me: ok, who’s your pick?

Amy: I DON’T KNOW

Me: the prize is years and years or respect and adoration.
HEY DID YOU KNOW IT’S THE LAST YEAR OF YANKEE STADIUM?

Amy: OMG
it is the last year???
HOW ARE THEY GOING TO DEAL WITH THIS?

Me: i am going with morneau, in hopes that he can fix what jason bay did to canada’s baseball reputation last year.
MAYBE THEY WILL BRONZE THE ENTIRE STADIUM.
SO MUCH YANKEEOSITY

Amy: I can’t pick Morneau since you did. so I will go with Berkman. He is old and knows how to pace himself

Me: excellent, the picks are in.
i am not sure i’m going to make it through hours of derek jeter waxing poetic.

Amy: Seriously. do something about your undereye bags, Jetes

Me: you know what would help that? DRIVEN BY AVON. pehrpas he’s heard of it.

Me: also, does chris berman think that when yankees players and red sox players see each other off the field they rumble like in the beat it video?

Amy: YES

Me: actaully, that’d be kind of awesome.

Amy: Dustin Pedroia carries a switchblade phone like me

Me: of COURSE he does. also, a switchblade phone is a necessity in breakdance fighting

Amy: small children in helmets. that is all i need.

Me: wow, justin morneau is going to get his ass kicked.

Me: BUCK UP, CANADA.
HAVE SOME PRIDE.
MAPLE LEAF POWER AND ALL THAT.

Me: you know i’m totally singing Oh Canada to him when it’s is turn

Me: fact: joe morgan has never heard of dan uggla before

Amy: Not even a little bit

Me: joe morgan has fallen asleep

Amy: wake him when a red sock or yankee is at bat. he may rouse for the right cub or met. but only if you give him a cookie.

Me: he might just sleep through this whole thing.
hee, that kid fell down. that always makes me laugh. because i’m mean.

Amy: kids falling is funny

Me: UNF GRADY SIZEMORE

Amy: I hope Grady Sizemore has a secret child we do not know about because how cute would that be?

Me: OMG SRSLY

Amy: I feel about David Ortiz the same way I feel about Randy Moss

Me: in what sense?

Amy: We have been without him for so long BUT HE WILL BE BACK and when I see him I realize how much I miss him

Me: oh yes. i feel that way too.

Amy: I think El Montro has been manscaping Papi’s eyebrows

Me: i wonder if david ortiz bought a racing team to pass the time

Me: now let us make fun of evan longoria

Me: those are terrible home run swings, EVAN.

Me: OH MY GOD YANKEE STADIUM IS SHAPED LIKE A BEDPAN. STOP WITH THE POETRY.

Amy: I feel like there are 6 of the same guy in this derby.
OH NO THERE IS NO BATTING CAGE AND NO HELMETS

Me: this version sucks at hitting home runs

Amy: WHAT IS EVAN GOING TO DO WITHOUT A HELMET

Me: are we ignoring the fact that the rays just dropped seven in a row and dropped from first place?

Amy: yes. we are also ignoring how spending 10 years developing number 1 draft picks clearly doesn’t contribute to winning

Me: GOOD PLAN

Me: where is d’angelo ortiz? that is what i want to know.

Amy: Probably getting airplane rides from Wily Mo

Me: OH FUN

Amy: Remember the year Bobby Abreu won and bears came to eat us?

Me: YES. WE LIVED AT THE HOME RUN DERBY.
I have to change my laundry over.

Amy: GO CHANGE YR LAUNDERS

Me: OKAY, COVER FOR ME, AMY.

Amy: /covers
Hello, people. This is Amy. I am covering. I am wearing a sunbonnet and just ate a burrito. Because what says coverage better than sunbonnets and burritos?
Oh, hello, Young David Wright.
Your hat is kind of funny.

Me: I MISSED DAVID WRIGHT. ?

Amy: yes

Me: wait, the hell is he doing there?

Amy: he was ENJOYING FESTIVITIES

Me: i would like to enjoy some festivities with david wright.

Amy: horizontal festivities

Me: yes. all kinds.

Amy: CHRIS BERMAN IS TALKING ABOUT LORE. HE IS USING HIS LORE TONE

Me: this yankee stadium wankery is making me feel like i need another shower.

Amy: Dear Lance, don’t make me ashamed of you, lovens, yr Amy

Me: HIS HEAD IS SO BIG.

Amy: like a beach ball

Me: with a curly mullet adornment

Amy: i think we are going to have reevaulate our picks

Amy: JD Drew made a cute kid, who knew?

Me: dude, jd drew has a really cute kid

Me: well, tek looks properly chagrined to be there.

Me: your pick is smart.

Amy: he is old. he can pace himself. the rest of them are like 11

Me: you know how sometimes when joe morgan is talking it sounds like he forgets he’s still talking halfway through?

Amy: yes

Me: sometimes i forget he’s talking too.

Amy: he has a nice cadence

Amy: but the cadence says “do not listen to my words”

Amy: this is like the oscars. It’s going to run over.

Me: they should make them hit in evening gowns.

Amy: YES

Me: hey wait, is yankee stadium in new york?

Amy: no i think it is in idaho

Me: gosh, you’d think they’d tell us

Me: OH, CANANDA, MY HOME AND NATIVE LAND

Amy: OUR HOME AND NATIVE LAND
MAPLE LEAFS AND POUTINE

Me: TRUE PATRIOT SONS, ON SOMETHING OUR SOULS COMMAND

Amy: WE STAND FOR YOU, WE STAND

Me: (of something)
WE STAND ON GUARD FORRRRRRRRRR THEEEEEEEEEEEE

Amy: wait a minute…kiwanis club?
wow that is some uncomfortable silence
WHITE GUYS WHITE GUYS

Me: i can’t tell if he’s being racist or not. are the kiwanas racist?

Amy: i don’t know?

Me: WHITE GUYS WHITE GUYS WHITE GUYS

Amy: but i can feel all of them not wanting to talk

Me: well, to be fair, joe’s asleep again

Amy: how long till he has to apologize for the kiwanis club comment

Me: do kiwanas watch tv? also, every time i type “kiwanas” i think “koalas.”

Amy: that is a club i would join

Me: BUCK UP, CANADA
HEY WE HAVE GOOD PICKS.

Amy: FIST BUMP

Me: FIST BUMP
sometimes we’re so smart, it hurts

Amy: i know!

Me: doesn’t justin morneau look like someone who has attended a fest or two in his time and has been cajoled into a volleyball tournament by the rick?

Amy: no, he looks like polo ponies and summering in nantucket

Me: sometimes that is the same thing

Amy: LOOK AT BRAUNY! corrance!
i am so proud
MY BREWERS, WORLD
LET ME SHOW YOU THEM

Me: wait, they’re in yankee stadium?

Amy: no, i think they are in mets field.
josh hamilton got the pimp spot

Me: of course he does. baseball loves a redemption story. that is why sometimes jason giambi wins the comeback player of the year award. WHICH IS BULLSHIT.

Amy: Josh Hamilton makes my heart sing

Me: i like listening to chris berman dance around the term “crackhead.” just say it, chris. they weren’t shy about it at the nfl draft

Amy: CRACK. HE WAS ON CRACK

Me: JUST SAY CRACKHEAD, BERMAN. ERYONE KNOWS WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.

Amy: it’s sort of frightening to think about what he could have done without those lost years

Me: like ted williams. except with crack.

Amy: i am getting a smidge choked up

Me: ian kinsler’s favorite band is my chemical romance. fact.

Amy: fall out boy

Me: yes

Amy: CRACK IS NOT A WORKOUT
HE WAS ON CRACK
WHEN YOU ARE ON CRACK, YOU DO NOT WORK OUT

Me: CRACK PIPES ARE NOT HEAVY. why will no one say “crack?”
fyi, we live here now.

Amy: we do. but i’m so freaking proud

Amy: my brother says he taught Josh everything he knows

Me: you know what i want? a biology lesson from tek in re: josh hamilton.

Amy: YES

Me: dude, i know, i could see patcher all over that shit

Me: “even sox fans respect this shrine.” of all the signs you could make, that’s what you went with?

Amy: yankee fans are known for their creativity.
i am glad justin morneau doesn’t warrant commentary

Me: blah, blah, blah new york, blah, blah, blah. PERHAPS YOU’VE HEARD THAT IF YOU CAN MAKE IT THERE, YOU CAN MAKE IT ANYWHERE.

Amy: even the south pole?

Me: apparently.

Amy: okay so berkman is gone. my pick did not pan out. a braun/hamilton final would be AWESOME.
/JAZZ HANDS

Me: i was just thinking that is like the all amy is happy final

Amy: it is like pie and hugs

Me: only one october? still?

Amy: they are still going with “only one october”, huh?

Me: YOU ARE IN MY HEAD.
it’s because they spent all their marketing dollars on yankee stadium wankery.

Me: they still won’t say “crack.”

Amy: yeah. it wasn’t a great performance for a former crackhead. it was a great performance.

Amy: josh hamilton looks ever so slightly like bon jovi

Me: yeah, from certain angles, i can see that. i might’ve googled the jovi today to gaze upon the magnificent visage and marvel at how kind the years have been to him.

Amy: LET’S GO BRAUNTOSAURUS

Me: hiiii joe mauer

Me: it’d be an interesting twist to the story if josh hamilton killed a photographer during the home run derby

Amy: heh. am going hamilton

Me: of course you are.
i am proud of cananda

Amy: canada is lucky to have you.
north carolina
has me

Me: i think from here on out, in life, i am going to call justin morneau “canada.”

Amy: i can dig that

Me: also, i figure that right now everyone but me, joe mauer and justin morneau’s mom are rooting for josh hamilton. so i’m going canada.

Amy: that is probably true

Me: i like to have logical reasons for rooting.

Amy: i completely understand

Me: somtimes i like to pretend i’m canadian.
i almost am. heh.

Amy: french canadian!

Me: yes!

Amy: me too!

Me: so they’re building exactly the same yankee stadium. awesome. great. fantastic.

Amy: O CANADA
/KRISTEN
PLS HIT A HOME RUN FOR OUR LAND
wow that worked

Amy: I think the best line of the night was Evan Longoria not doing well because not getting to wear a helmet..
JOSH HAMILTON WILL NOT BE A YANKEE IN 3-4 YEARS
shut up announcers

Me: christ, how depressing

Amy: i sang canada for morneau in your absence

Me: CANADA

Amy: good job winning.
justin morneau is all “yeah i know, you don’t want to talk to me”

Me: everyone is all “wow, that was anticlimatic.”

Amy: i think it is important that justin morneau won. because he’s better than people thinks he is

Me: because people are still pissed that he won the mvp

Me: and by “people” i mean “yankee fans”

Amy: yup

Me: CANADA DESERVES SOME RESPECT.

Amy: they are in new york in case you forgot

Me: new york has done very little in the last 24 hours to endear itself to me

Amy: it should make you a pie

Me: i like pie. ok, i need to sleep now. BUT THANKS FOR THE LIVE CHATTING.

Amy: night!

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