If the Red Sox win a game and no one is awake to see it, does it still count?


(Photo from Yahoo! Sports)

Or is this that crazy fever dream thing again except instead of JD Drew being the hero and winning the All-Star Game MVP, it’s Jason Varitek and Jed Lowrie providing all the offense and driving in all the runs?

Because if it is, I suppose I could get used to this.

Look, no one is a bigger Jason Varitek apologist than me but even I’ve been wondering what, exactly was eating that poor man recently. Amy and I had a theory:

Amy: There is going to be a Papelspawn.

Me: This still terrifies me to my very soul.

Amy: I worry. I do.

Me: That child is going to run wild since Papelbon will think it’s perfectly acceptable to use Manny, Jr. as a babysitter. Or Manny, Sr.

Amy: Jason Varitek is probably going to have to help raise it. OH MY GOD YOU CAN TRACE HIS BATTING SLUMP TO THE PAPELFETUS’S APPROXIMATE CONCEPTION. Clearly he is concerned about having to raise another child.

Me: YOU ARE SO SMART. For his sake, I hope it’s a boy.

Amy: Papelbon probably only shoots “y”s.

Me: He’s already picked out the camo onesie.

Amy: It’s name is going to be Kaydyn. I’m resigned.

Me: Sigh. It totally is.

Amy: Maybe Tek will shake that off.

Me: HEE!

Amy: He’s putting down the sign for a nice, normal name.

Seriously, how smart are we to have figured it out? I know Boston.com is telling me that Tek’s been stoically battling an eye infection this whole time but clearly, we know the real truth.

Additionally, Jon Lester can stay.

And Jed Lowrie! Little Jedders! Stepping up to fill the, well, actually, he’s filling a mediocre at best hole left by Julio Lugo and his Aptly Timed Exploding Quad. But still, he’s filling it which is much better than having to resort to the ever-popular cardboard cutouts with oven mitts for hands. I know Seattle is terrible and they’re already on their second manager of the season but they’re still – allegedly – a major league baseball team. And wins are wins are wins.

More, please?

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