In which we answer the eternal question: shark vs. bear


(Hockey Hair Extraordinaire
)

Unfortunately for those of us in attendance last night at the Garden, the answer appeared to be “shark.” Or rather, bear has shark in a choke-hold for the first two thirds of the battle but then bear decides to get lazy and sort of half-assedly swats at the charging shark intent on stealing the bear’s delicious salmon but maybe the bear is kind of full anyway and is sort of defending the salmon out of principle but he’s not really up for a fight anymore and just sort of wants to lie down and take a nap, full of delectable salmon so for the remaining one third of the battle, the shark dominates and ends up devouring the sleepy bear and annoying all the zoology aggression fans in attendance. Aaaaand I think I’ve stretched that metaphor about as far as it can go.

The good news, however, was that the above picture is a genuine one, taken with my craptastic camera phone which depicts the positively miraculous hockey mullet seated two rows in front of me and my dad. So the evening wasn’t a total loss after all.

That and Milan Lucic at least wishes to please me. Two goals in the first period and he certainly kept trying for the hat trick for the remainder of the game. Honestly, his crush on me is starting to border on embarrassing. Clearly he had to sell all those other jerseys and number tees to the beefy gentlemen in attendance to throw them off the trail. Good thinking. That’s one 20-year-old who thinks on his toes.

Yeah, that’s right. Twenty. TWEN-TY. As in, years old. Fully half the Bruins roster is younger than I am which is distressing because I had been laboring under the impression that I wasn’t aging. At least the Sharks have employed 43-year-old Claude Lemiuex to make me feel like the proverbial spring chicken. Of course, they also wear a distressing amount of teal. And we know how I feel about sports teams that wear teal, right, Carolina?

So at least for Round One, Shark emerges victorious. But the way things shook out last night, I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see these two lined up for a rematch.

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