I’m sorry…what?

Yeah…no. That was, what we in the business call “unfuckingacceptable.” Like a horrible nightmare you can’t escape from, that just kept getting worse and worse. And no disrespect to the lovely Greta or any of the other charming Orioles fans I know but…what the shit? That does not happen. I realize this is Birdland and all that but come the fuck on.

Perhaps we have learned our lesson, bullpen, about either assuming rain delays or seeing a 10-1 lead in the seventh, kicking back and opening up the Jaeger tap in the bullpen before all is said and done. HAVE WE NOT? HAVE WE NOT LEARNED THAT LESSON?

Or perhaps we should LEARN HOW TO COUNT OUTS BECAUSE NOW YOU ALL LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF JACKASSES.

Look what’s happened. You’ve made me yell. I’m yelling now. You see what you’ve made me do? You haven’t given me much cause to yell at you for a while and frankly, I didn’t miss it. BUT IT SEEMS YOU DID. YOU MISSED THE YELLING. HAPPY NOW?

And John Smoltz had done so well too. The man is a Hall of Famer, you jerks. Show some respect. Keep this nonsense up and he’ll gang up with Tim Wakefield and form a modern day Butch and Sundance and make you all pay. Don’t think he won’t. It’s always the quiet ones.

And Nick, Nick Markakis. I am going to lay it out for you ONE. MORE. TIME. You are to play like an All-Star in 143 games out of the season. During the nineteen you play against the Red Sox, I’d prefer mediocrity to middling performance. I really thought I’d made myself clear. I named my cat after you, dude. It’s really the least you can do.

But in the end, this is not on Nick. There are, in fact, a few people I’d like to blame this on and for once, not a single one of them is named Julio Lugo. Mark that down, that’s gotta be a first.

Honestly, gentlemen, your mothers must’ve taught you better than this. Or did you never learn about chickens and the premature counting of same?

/shakes head in disgust and goes off to bed, muttering about how baseball’s a stupid game anyway…

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