Jim Rice is most displeased

(Photo from Yahoo! Sports)

Yes, Nick Green, I’m perplexed too. Apparently not a one of you know how to follow directions. Those directions being “win baseball games” not, as has apparently been understood “lose baseball games on late-inning comebacks by the other team in particularly soul-crushing fashion because you feel like sticking it to Hall of Fame inductee Jim Rice because you’re not fond of the loud pocket squares he wears on NESN.” Or whyever it was that you lost.

I guess from now on we’re going to have to start putting notes on everyone’s gloves, cheat sheet style. “Catch ball.” “Throw ball.” “Hit ball.” “Do not lose.”

Honestly, boys, baseball is not a complicated game. There are only so many fundamentals to remember. I thought we were past this?

So tonight, tonight you’re going to win, correct? Because I have the sweet seats and I am tired. Extremely tired and creaky from all the mountain hiking and marathon training I’ve been doing and I would like very much if an evening in the cramped Fenway seats ended with a win for my troubles. Wouldn’t that be nice? I don’t feel like trekking all the way to the ballpark to watch you blow another one, boys. There are certainly better uses of my time. So straighten up and fly right. And perhaps you could tell me at what point I turned into my crotchety grandfather.

And also, you kids get off my lawn!

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