(photo from Yahoo! Sports)
OH LOOK IT IS TWO GIRLS WHO APPEAR TO BE THROWING BETTER THAN MATT CLEMENT AND JOSH BECKETT WHO ARE, IN POINT OF FACT, ACTUAL MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PLAYERS HMMMM THAT IS INTERESTING.
Look what you did? You made me yell.
Sigh. Listen, boys. I don’t like to have to resort to the “throws like a girl” insults for three reasons: 1) I am a girl. And I can actually throw, 2) I tend to reserve such truths for insulting Johnny Damon, and 3) it’s weak, easy and obvious. MUCH LIKE THE WAY YOU HAVE BEEN PITCHING.
I hate it when you make me mad at you. I hate it when you refuse to sack up against the freakin’ Blue Jays in their electric blue stadium with ushers that shush you. I hate it when you get outpitched by some dude who wears sunglasses inside at night and has a cologne named after him. No, I am not kidding. I imagine it smells like AstroTurf and maple leaves.
Joshua Patrick Beckett (oh that’s right, I’m full naming your sorry ass), what the HELL was that? What, you think with the conversion factor or something that home runs don’t travel as far in Canada? I have news for you, Fat Head. THAT IS NOT THE CASE. Not the case at all. You know who could have told you that? Jason Varitek. Don’t be shaking him off. Curt’ll tell you, that is UNWISE BEHAVIOR, SIR.
And as for you, Matthew Paul Clement, I have just about had it with you. I have very nearly reached my limit. Because you, sir, are wearing on my last nerve. I spent a good, long while defending you and finding amusement in your barnicle-like attachment to Varitek but if you don’t stop looking like you’re being tortured with bamboo shoots when you’re out there on the mound and if you don’t dispense immediately with the “I’m gonna hurl” face every time you throw a pitch…well, there will be hell to pay. You’re a major league pitcher. You’re an All-Star. You’re a 32-year-old man. Sack up and start pitching like it.
This is what we call “tough love,” boys and don’t think I’m afraid to lay it on thick.
I trust we will not have any further problems.
Now that that unpleasantness is out of the way, I would like to share with you what we’ve taken to calling “iTunes Mojo.” It works like this: Player A comes to bat, you select a song from iTunes that you think Player A would appreciate based on things you either know, or, in our case, have completely made up about said player. If Player A gets a hit, walks or does something else beneficial to the team, the song stays and becomes their music until they decide they don’t like it anymore.
By this method, we have deduced that, as previously stated, Alex Gonzalez LOVES Nickelback (much to Marianne’s chagrin), David Ortiz gets down to the Notorious BIG’s “Big Papa” (come on, no shit), Mike Lowell performs well to the sounds of The Clash’s “London Calling,” and Youkilis digs The Offspring’s “Pretty Fly for a White Guy.”
Those were the easy ones. Some of the other players were a bit tougher to nail down, as it were.
After trying “Puff the Magic Dragon” (both Peter, Paul and Mary and some weirdass Punk/Ska versions) for Manny, we finally settled on Bob Marley’s “Smoke Two Joints,” because, come on, it’s pretty obvious. Though I suppose this would be even more applicable were Mark Bellhorn still on the team.
Coco likes to get down to his own phat beatz, namely a tune called “We Got That Thing.” And no, I’m not kidding. It can be found on the internet if you look hard enough. Trust me, it’s worth it. ‘Specially the part about “sacrifice bunts.”
Mark Loretta is proving difficult. At first, we figured he’d enjoy The Scoripions “Rock You Like a Hurricane” because of the whole etymology thing. But he promptly grounded into a double play when we tried that. On deck is something by the Beatles (provided we can come up with the right song) or U2’s “The Fly.” Give us credit for sticking with a theme.
We are still trying to figure out what makes Jason Varitek happy as we have concluded that it’s neither Fleetwood Mac nor Journey. (Which is going to be a problem in our relationship, actually because I, personally, love Journey with near reckless abandon. Shut up, don’t judge me. You love Journey too.) We are running out of options here.
Alex Cora does not like Gloria Estefan. The rhythm never quite got him. And I refuse to download any of that Marc Anthony/Enrique Iglesias bullshit. So that one is up for discussion. Of course, so is the fact that Alex Cora has any business being on a baseball field to begin with but…I’m not the manager.
Trotter, turns out, can’t really get into his hitting rhythm to Tim McGraw and country music generally makes me shudder so I’m thinking we’ll pull a 180 and try some Black Sabbath or Judas Priest.
And Dougie, if he ever gets to bat again, is getting some Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger.” But you probably could have guessed that one.
Look, when the team isn’t doing well, you have to do something to entertain yourself. This is what we came up with. Just be glad it hasn’t yet devolved into a drinking game. Notice I said, “yet.”
So, who did we miss? The rest is open for discussion and suggestion. Also, do we think that Tek is secretly a Carpenter’s fan? Please say no. We’re really going to have to talk about his mental block regarding Journey. Don’t stop believing…