Movin’ on up, on the East side…

(Photo from Boston.com)

And just like that, they’re tied for first.

Maybe it’s been the seeming up and down nature of the season. Maybe it’s been the fact that Cassel’s performance, despite the two INTs, qualifies as “good.” Maybe it’s that one week Randy Moss catches all the passes and the next week, he either drops them or disappears entirely. Maybe I’m making all of that up. But even with the AFC East as wide open as it is this season, I still, somehow don’t think I expected to see the Patriots tied for first with Buffalo halfway through.

Because: Tom Brady.

Tom Brady’s knee and the inner workings thereof have become possibly the biggest elephant in the room in New England and I still can’t really talk about it without curling into the fetal position and being spoonfed applesauce. I miss him like nobody’s business and want him back yesterday and might’ve already started researching ways to attach a robot leg from the Iron Giant to our QB, but failing that, I’m still trying my hardest to throw all my support behind Cassel. After all, it takes a village to raise a quarterback. And a good, ole’ inferiority complex never hurt anyone. The Matt Cassel Confidence Camp Express continues.

That said, perhaps more than half the credit for yesterday’s victory goes to Kevin Faulk. No spring chicken, surely, Faulk, the Pats’ normal third down back, has been forced (or, I’m sure, asked nicely), to serve as the running back on all downs. Because, you know, you might’ve heard but the Pats players are dropping like flies.

Which is why I’d humbly request that they all be packed in bubble wrap and put away after use, please.

I really am being quite Zen about this season, though. Well, Zen for me. I haven’t thrown anything yet and I haven’t been asked to leave any local drinking establishments for arguing with anyone about Ben Roethlisberger vs. Tom Brady. (There have been a few close calls though, I’m not gonna lie). But the way I figure it, the worst has already happened. Might as well just watch some football.

The Patriots, it seems, are operating under a similar mindset as the announcers over the course of the past two weeks have been talking about how they’re the “fun” team now. Frankly, I’m not sure Belichick can crack a smile without a pulley system but if the team’s having fun, I’m all for it. Also: winning. Winning = fun.

Here’s hoping my Zen attitude carries over through next Sunday night when the Pats take on the Colts which they are doing two days before my birthday because the Pats have to play the Colts on my birthday weekend for the billionth year in a row because the NFL hates me or something. I am calm. I am collected. I am rational.

We’ll see how long that lasts.

Dear Diary…

(Photo from Yahoo! Sports)

In light of last night’s performance, I thought I’d make you aware that the newest InSite piece by Amy and yours truly is out.

Behold: Matt Cassel’s Diary.

An excerpt:

9/30/08 – Um well, people like to make a lot about how I haven’t started a game since high school. Know what else I haven’t done since high school? Gotten an atomic wedgie.

Pick it up at your local drinking establishment.

Any Given Sun-, er, Monday

(Photo from Boston.com)

I swear to you, nothing that happens during the course of this NFL season would surprise me. Kerry Collins could be the Second Coming in Tennessee. Vince Wilfork could announce plans to retire and take over for Al Roker. An x-ray could determine conclusively that Ben Roethlisberger’s brain is made of cream cheese. Belichick could rip off his hoodie to reveal mechanical robot parts. The Patriots can lose by 20 to San Diego one week and drop 41 on Denver the next. Seriously, nothing would surprise me. 

What does surprise me, I guess, is that this Patriots team is still capable of games like last night. Apparently there is some truth to the rumor that Denver is the most fradulent 4-2 (now 4-3) team in the NFL but that gives little credit to the Pats and the way they handled things. 

But it was that kind of game. In fact, due to the fact that he appeared to be constantly ass backwards on the ground, it was the third quarter before I realized that Matt Cassel was having a nice little game for himself with a pretty stellar passer rating. Right around the time Tony Kornheiser said “Tom who?” And I yelled, “You shut your mouth, Anthony!” did I notice that Cassel was turning in an efficient and mistake-free (thanks to a Belichick challenge) performance. I don’t know why. Maybe after the past few up and down weeks, I’m conditioned to think the worst. But I owe an apology to Matthew. You done well, sir. 

Amy: I am so proud of Little Matthew.

Me: Did you see how he just nonchalantly threw that Gatorade cup on the ground like he’s QB1 and y’all can suck it? (He probably picked it up and placed it in a proper trash receptacle when they cut to another camera).

Amy: And apologized. 

Of course, wins seemingly never come without losses around here as it was announced that Laurence Maroney was put on Injured Reserve, thus ending his season and Rodney Harrison went down with an apparent knee injury and had to be carted off the field. I’ve seen Rodney in that position before. It didn’t end well that time. Let’s hope this is minor though, you know, expecting the worst. 

Additionally, am I the only person previously unaware of the existence of BenJarvus Green-Ellis? I swear I have never heard of that gentlemen before last night. 

Me: Wait, there is a Jarvis Green and a BenJarvus Green-Ellis?

Amy: Maybe he got married in the offseason?

Me: I’m checking the official roster to get to the bottom of these shenanigans. Okay, apparently Jarvis Green is a defensive lineman, which we knew, and BenJarvus Green-Ellis is a running back.

Amy: I’m glad THAT’S the reason they’re not the same person.

Me: Welcome, young BenJarvus!

Amy: That is a name and a half.

Indeed it is. And now he has a touchdown to his name. Like I said, nothing surprises me.

World’s most bipolar football team

Loves it. More, please.

Must sleep. More tomorrow. But I look forward to the postgame interview where, as Amy says, Randy Moss holds forth in a Tek-like fashion about how Matt Cassel was a boy, but now he’s a man.

And also perhaps the offensive line would like to explain how they managed to don uniforms and cleats and such while made of marzipan.

Also, Tedy Bruschi comforting a prone Rodney Harrison who was in need of the dreaded cart is killing me. NO MORE INJURIES, PLEASE.

However…winning. Yay. What a thing.

Happens to the best of us

(Photo from Boston.com)

What can you say? Sometimes Fate plays for the other side.

I’m of the mind that Red Sox fans have nothing to complain about. We can be disappointed, sure, as you are when your team loses in any fashion. More so in a playoff race after coming back in an epic fashion (again). But Tampa Bay – despite how weird it still seems – has been this good all year. We don’t get to claim bullshit umpiring, flukey play, clear bias or karmic intervention. The Rays flat out won. It is the way of things. I’m not, you know, happy about it. But nor am I breaking things. (People are going to start to claim that the Super Bowl that didn’t happen has left me dead inside and unable to feel human emotions anymore). But I think it’s actually just a matter of perspective.

Sure, I’ve rolled my eyes at the sad Rays fans in the Trop with their hangdog faces and hand wringing over the past few games because, dudes, you’re baseball infants. You have to earn that look. But that said, that look no longer belongs to us, as Boston fans. We gave that up last year. We don’t get to claim it anymore.

What we should do, I think, is congratulate Joe Maddon and his misfit band of pre-teen baseball Wonder Kids for taking the defending champs this far. Because the way I figure it, the Rays won the division by two games which, if I have my baseball math correct, translates into a seven game series and a two-run win in Game Seven. So they’re just following the script. Can’t fault them for that. (Doesn’t mean I have to like Matt Garza though). And it doesn’t mean we have to root particularly hard for them – or at all – in the World Series. Doesn’t even mean we have to watch it. But we do have to be the bigger person in this instance and congratulate the team on outplaying us. This was no 83-win St. Louis Cardinals 2006 team. The Rays won it fair and square. Also, we should congratulate my grandmother because she’s happy and she’s a great lady. The best. And she really likes that Carl Crawford.

Okay, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, who wants to be petty and make fun of the fact that the Rays are eleven and can’t drink the celebratory champagne so will have to resort to getting stupid on the sparkling apple juice before hearing a bedtime story from Grandpa Joe?

Once more for all the marbles

(Photo from Yahoo! Sports)

Not a whole lot to say that hasn’t already been written over the course of the past four seasons. Backs against the wall, shoulder pinned and pulling a Lazarus all over again. Almost seems as if Terry Francona’s Red Sox have patented this behavior.

So, you know, these boys have been here before. They’re old hats at this. They know the drill.

Let’s hope they can pull the Houdini act one more time.

See you on the other side.

Drama Kings

(Photo from Boston.com)

Are you freakin‘ kidding me? Seriously? These Red Sox are bigger drama queens than any 13-year-old girl I’ve ever met. Next they’ll be issuing folded notes to the fans demanding “Do you like me? Circle yes or no.”

They are just not comfortable unless they’re playing Houdini and initiating the Great Escape are they? Insanity.

One wonders if this is when the Rays fall apart, after blowing a 7-run lead. Or perhaps it’s just a hiccup, an aberration on the way to their eventual ALCS win. But as dramatic as it is, it’s not like we’ve never seen this before. This is old hat for the Red Sox. Or don’t you remember last year?

The way I figure it, the Sox pretty much had no business getting past the Angels (now there’s a team with a self-fulfilling prophecy) so any games beyond those were gravy. And any games that end the way last night’s did are just especially delicious gravy. Like the homemade Thanksgiving kind your grandmother whips up. (Speaking of my grandmother…) So really, we should just be excited we get at least one more game. And to those fans who are booing? Knock it off, you ingrates. This team doesn’t owe you anything. Stop being assholes and enjoy watching more baseball than 28 other teams are getting. Suck it up.

And go Sox!

Okay.

That, uh, that is not quite what I meant.

Stop it.

So help me, I will get this entire region to care about football, er hockey. Don’t test me, I’ll do it.

Attention must be paid

(Photo from Boston.com)

Okay so, sometimes you just need to, you know, not be where you are for a few days. So you up and head to New York over Columbus Day weekend. And when you come back, the Sox are in a 2-1 hole in the ALCS and the Patriots went all Pop Warner and forgot how to play professional football. So evidently I was wrong when I assumed that they’d be fine without me and they’d remember how to play like big boys and take care of the matter at hand.

So FINE. I am back! I am paying attention. Now, can we please stop sucking? Please? I promise I won’t go anywhere for a while. My god, gentlemen, get it together.

Right back where we started from

(Photo from Yahoo! Sports)

Oh I am going to get SO MUCH shit from my grandmother.

But for tonight, we’re just going to celebrate our second straight ALCS berth and sing a few bars of “O, Canada” in honor of Jason Bay, who, were they to award an ALDS MVP, would surely be in contention along with Jon Lester.

Not gonna lie. Did not expect this. But I will take it. Turns out wins with house money are just as sweet.

And the quote of the evening thus far goes to Tom Caron in re: the irrepressible Jonathan Papelbon. “That guy would celebrate a win in April like this if they’d put the plastic on the lockers.”