Round 1? Done.

Photo from Boston.com

I have a feeling we’re going to get along just fine, Miroslav Satan and I. He seems to have a vested interest in things that matter to me. You know, like winning. Like not being made a fool of. Like keeping me from throwing shit at the television. He cares, that Miroslav. He just wants me to be happy.

I’m also fond of David Krejci. He can stay. And Tuukka Rask. Primarily because “Tuukka” is really fun to say and always sort of makes you feel like you’re spouting nonsense. Plus he’s good at this hockey thing. Which is especially nice considering that he’s something insane like 12-years-old. Or 23, but still, a mere infant. I realize it’s not to do with his age that he looks like he has a tiny, tiny head when he takes his helmet off but rather its to do with the fact that hockey goalies wear an insane amount of padding and therefore, all kind of look like shrunken heads minus their helmets. But he’s just so…wee. I just hope they’re nice to him in the NHL.

I would be remiss if I didn’t give credit to NESN reporter Naoko Funayama who, even when asking Partice Bergeron and David Krejci the tough questions, essentially, “You’re not really very good, this team, what does it feel like to be good?” never lets on how badly they smell. And as a girl who has a younger brother who spent his formative years in an ice rink and skating circle drills, let me tell you, nothing smells worse than a hockey player. Nothing. I will not hear arguments to the contrary. All this is by way of saying that Funayama better be given a case of Febreze after every game.

Poor Ryan Miller. He just can’t catch a break, can he? Not that I mind at all how this turned out but I still think he was robbed of a gold medal and I hope he gets some nice apologies in the form of fruit baskets or video game gift certificates this off-season. Though perhaps it’s best for everyone is he stays away from Blades of Steel.

So it’s either Canadiens or Capitals in the next round. Which means these Bruins have to face either the Canadiens of decades-long rivalry and hatred or Alexander Ovechkin and his endless band of syncophants which is just slightly less obnoxious than Sidney Crosby and his band of same. Though, on the whole, I’ve less of an issue with Washington because no one on their team took out Marc Savard for the season with a cheap hit, Matt Cooke. However, if I had a choice (and the NHL has still refused to ask me what I want, just an oversight, I’m sure), I’d pick the Canadiens. Because it’d be nice to get the chance to slay that beast again.

And since the Red Sox currently can’t decide whether they enjoy winning games or would rather be the kind of team that loses in extras to the Orioles, and the Patriots’ draft picks are failing drug tests (smacks forehead), I’m going to ignore them until they get their act straight in favor of the black and gold.

Say it with me now: Bruins, the Bruins what?

Edit: Dammit, apparently I have been given misinformation and now we have to play the Penguins? Matt Cooke, you are in the crosshairs, sir.