In an idea I stole from Beth, I’m recapping this year in sports by reprinting the first line of every month’s final post. (I think she did every month’s first post but I’m urbanizing it yo.) Sometimes it’s more than one line because sometimes, I just don’t make no damn sense. But you already knew that.
January: Don’t look now, but the Bruins have won five of seven and seven of eleven.
February: You all know what I try to do here. I try to write about our local teams in a personal, rather unprofessional manner. And I try to find humor in it whenever I can. But the thing with these Red Sox is, every time I think I’ve come up with something good, they’ve gone and outdone me.
March: Tonight at 8:30 PM on NESN, “Remdawg Unleashed.” Jerry Remy outtakes. I…is there really anything else that needs to be said?
April: So we decided to try something new last night. Rather than the usual, “Remember how we said we weren’t going to be sucking here, boys? Remember that? You must have heard wrong because what you appear to being doing is the exact opposite of that and SUCKING MIGHTILY!” that we usually throw at the Red Sox when faced with mediocrity, Marianne suggested that perhaps they just needed some positive reinforcement.
May: OH LOOK IT IS TWO GIRLS WHO APPEAR TO BE THROWING BETTER THAN MATT CLEMENT AND JOSH BECKETT WHO ARE, IN POINT OF FACT, ACTUAL MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PLAYERS HMMMM THAT IS INTERESTING.
June: Since I became one of the approximately twelve billion people to use the Spinal Tap reference in yesterday’s post title, I thought I’d go for the easy joke again and see if I can hit the jackpot twice. Anyway, what more is there to say about this team? They’re pretty freakin’ good, eh? It’s strange that on this extended winning streak, things seem to be going the Sox way. We’re getting the good bounces, getting the calls and, as in the case of Coco accidentally revealing his alternate identity as Spiderman last night, making the plays. I know someone who would not have made that same play and would still have managed to concuss himself on the warning track whereas Coco just popped right back up like a Whack-O-Mole…
July: In the interest of full disclosure, I think it’s only fair to tell you (because The Rick surely will if I don’t) that I was checking the score on Gamecast, watching Miami Ink (my remote is broken, again) and scouring the internets for…stuff because I did not want to watch the Fat Man crash and burn when I heard that Tek went down with a knee injury. Then I made a noise similar to that of a feral cat caught in a garbage disposal. And I began searching frantically for the half-full bottle of tequila and a twisty straw. As such, I did not see Ortiz’s blast. But I’m pretty sure I know what it looked like. You know, having seen it seemingly every other game.
August: Where you’re looking at tonight’s starting pitcher (Julian Tavarez). I figure, at this point, the least we can hope for is that he’ll bite someone for entertainment’s purposes.
September: That’s right kids, it’s nearly hockey season. I can’t be the only one who’s excited, can I? Even if your excitement is based solely on the fact that the Bruins couldn’t POSSIBLY suck more than they did last season, well, that’s something, ain’t it?
October: I’m sorry, I know people are getting tired of the Brady crushing and man-crushing. I know fans of other teams are rolling their eyes. I’m sure you’re sick of it. (Unless you’re a Colts fan, in which case, SHUT IT). But damn, dudes, last night, Tom Brady was better than you. And better than me. And better than everyone. That was a fun football game.
November: In honor of yesterday’s hard fought win over the Bears, it’s time for another installment of “Things You Can Tell About Tom Brady Just By Looking At Him.”
December: In case you were wondering, I’ve JUST NOW started breathing normally after Tom Brady’s BRUSH WITH DEATH on Sunday.
Happy New Year, everyone. Let’s hope for more madness in the future.