Now was that so hard?

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This is what I’m talking about. This is what I mean. Timely hitting. Good pitching. Defense when it’s needed. That’s some good baseball right there. Fundamentals! Who knew? Apparently all it took was me undergoing some penance by sleeping two nights in a sweaty and campfire-scented Mitsubishi Galant because Mother Nature decided to be a right bitch and rain out my camping trip this past weekend. Why it wasn’t necessary for, oh, say John Smoltz or Jason Varitek to cram themselves into a late model foreign car while using baked beans as a pillow is beyond me but if that’s what it takes…I do it all for you, boys.

Now, can we assume that losing nonsense is behind us? I do so enjoy the winning. I’m really like to continue that for a while. Most especially on Wednesday as I’ve been gifted some incredibly stellar third base line seats and would really enjoy watching a victory unfold from that vantage point. Also, I mean, it’ll be much easier for me to corral Chrissy and keep her from charging the field to attack Mike Lowell if I’m enjoying a victory in the making and not fretting about a potential loss or a further drop in the standings. I’m just saying. Don’t you want me to relax, Red Sox? My neck is still wonky from the car’s headrest and I think you owe it to me.

And yes, I understand there’s quite a leap in logic necessary for me to assume my uncomfortable camping situation had anything to do with the Red Sox fortunes but you know what? We don’t do rational around these parts. It’s not our way.

But Josh Beckett can’t do it all himself, guys. Despite the fact that I’m sure he’d claim otherwise and take the mound in head to toe camo gear with a bowie knife in his teeth, he really can’t pitch every day. That means someone’s going to have to step up in the in between times. How about you, Clay? Why don’t you start it off tonight. Remember that time you pitched a no-hitter? Yeah, me too. How about you bring some of that magic back? I’d really appreciate not being made to sleep in a car again to keep you all in your winning ways. The things I do for this team, honestly…


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